Mono/Poly – Questions To Ask
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Mono/Poly Resources, Relationships
Are you mono, and considering dating a poly person? Here are some questions to ask yourself:
How often have you sought out therapy in your life? How much work do you consider to be a typical amount for maintaining a relationship? Communication and steady work are essential to maintaining any healthy relationship, and bad poly relationships are more noticeable than bad mono relationships.
What demonstrates love and commitment to you? Physically write it out. Make a list. Be specific. Regular physical affection? Words of love? Acts of service? (You may want to explore the 5 Love Languages as one tool for unpacking your style and needs). Continue to explore further. What daily interaction is important? What kind of participation in your emotional and/or spiritual life do you need? What kind of sex life do you want? Finally, how important is sexual exclusivity to you? Is it necessary, preferable, or not necessary? If everything else you need is present, including a fulfilling sex life, would your partner’s sex life with another person affect your sense of being loved?
Do you expect a partner to complete you, and fulfill all your needs? Or do you expect to have a fulfilling life and nourishing relationships outside your bond with your partner? If you find the former to be true, a structure where your partner has full romances outside your bond is a recipe for disaster, despite any fond feelings you may have.
Do you believe that (somebody else) being polyamorous is possible? Healthy? Ethical? Mature? Do you expect a poly partner to stop being poly at any point?
Now, about the person you’re considering a relationship with:
Are they supportive of your mono nature? Or will they be threatened by being your only partner?
Can they trust you to honor their poly nature?
Can they trust you to name your needs?
Are they willing to be supportive in your process of getting to know how poly works, and take the time you need? Are you ready to start that process?
Has your partner’s past behavior or current language emphasized “equality” among partners, like equal feelings between various individuals, or equal number of partners on either side? Or is there room for more diversity of shape? A mono/poly shape is going to be “lopsided”, not “equal”, and a certain level of comfort with that will be required of all parties for success.
How skilled is this person at providing reassurance when you need it?
How many other partners does this person have? How much time can they commit to your relationship? How much time do you need?
(This post is part of the mono/poly resource list, which can be found through the link at the top of the page.)
Mono/Poly Resources – Coming Soon
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under News, Relationships
Since starting this journey with Gabe, I have had constant dissatisfaction with the mono/poly resources out there. I’ve yet to find a single one that fits my needs. There are many resources that have been useful to me on a variety of other topics, like jealousy or time management. But there are only a handful of resources aimed at mono folk in poly relationships, and to a one, they have all been foreign enough to my experience that they might as well have been written in a different language.
First, I have not been committed to someone for years before learning they are poly and not mono. I chose to enter knowingly into this bond with my poly honey. This means that many important support groups out there talking about rebuilding trust and dealing with deep grief responses and shattered hopes bear no resemblance to my needs. I am glad they are there for others, but they’re not for me.
Secondly, we did not enter into this with any deep revulsions of each others’ orientation, nor any notions of changing each other. This appears to describe the audience for the other half of mono/poly resources I come across. If those resources are useful to you I’m glad. But for myself, a basic focus on all the potential faults of a relationship, and beginning from an assumption of distrust and lack of faith is counterproductive to the work I want to do next on my journey.
I don’t look at my partner’s poly nature as an unwanted burden, nor am I traumatized by my partner’s desires and wish to change them. This leaves me with no place to find handy lists of insights to ponder, no uniquely affirming writings to review periodically, and no basic introductory texts or quickguides to my kind of mono/poly relating. I am most definitely looking for insights that help me grow past the “ick” – the fears, anxieties, jealousies, and limitations that come with being human and having a past… but that’s only one small part of the journey for me. I want to creatively build my bond with my honey, with the basic understanding that I am constantly learning how to love more fully, live more joyfully, and offer more of myself.
So we’re beginning a compilation of resources here, likely written mostly from my perspective. This may include a list of the benefits for a mono person dating a poly person, writings on the issue of reassurance, and questions to ask yourself if you’re mono and considering dating someone poly. In short, it will be the kinds of resources I see elsewhere, but written in a way that someone like me could find them useful. If you have any questions, thoughts, or things you’d like to see, please contact me at elizabeth@pornocracy.org.
Uses of Pain
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Kink
I’m not a pain slut, nor an anguissette*. I’ve heard folks talk about enjoying adrenaline rushes from the pain, or about it sending them directly into a special headspace, but I don’t have those gifts. That’s not how I plug into it.
I’m aware of two ways I use my reception of pain.
The first is relational; it’s about receiving something from Gabe that’s visceral and holy. It’s about being ripped apart either to be consumed and transformed by something sacred, or to feel it (and him) deeply inside me. I’m reminded of references to the mere image or sound of God as something too powerful to be contained in the human body (remember the end of Dogma?). In these cases, I take in pain because it reminds me that taking in the full expression of who we are includes both pleasure and pain, that the divine encompasses all that and more. I take in pain, as well as pleasure, because making room for it all makes me larger. This is very much connected to the context of my relationship with Gabe, which has always included an element of spiritual companionship.
The second way I receive pain is as a tool to reach an altered state of consciousness. If I am properly centered and open to the experience, pain is one of several experiences that can take me into a meditative headspace. It’s important to me, though, that I embrace the pain and don’t use it to detach from my body; this might distinguish my use of it from some others’ meditative use of pain. I also need a larger framework, as the pain alone doesn’t help me get there (this might distinguish me from yet others’ ways of working with it). This is something that has taken some practice on my part, but is quite powerful for me. All public play that I’ve done with pain has been of this kind, likely because it is the more plannable of the two.
*For the record, I’m much more of an Imriel than a Phedre, but that’s a whole other post.
Drop and Such
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Relationships
Somehow, we got ourselves quite a week last week. Monday night was a party friends of ours threw at a bar they own. Tuesday night was a discussion night with the major local kink group. Wednesday and Thursday Gabe’s girlfriend Red August (who lives an hour away and has been crazy busy this semester with school and work) got to stay with us. Friday was a kinky house party and Saturday was a party at the local dungeon. And yes, we participated in all of that.
As far afield as that kind of schedule is for us, it was surprisingly nourishing for me as it was unfolding. Yes, there was that slightly off-kilter feeling growing from not having an evening at home (and it all reminded me of what an important need the night at home is). But there were also powerful opportunities to connect with community, and deeply enjoyable chances to spend time with Gabe’s girlfriend and the two new people he’s dating now. So, the week spun by with joy. And, Gabe had an intense public scene with me, and a separate public scene with a new date of his, both at the Saturday party. This last is probably the largest single factor affecting our mood right now. If you don’t know, a couple days after doing a big scene, the participants can have a heavy emotional experience referred to as “drop”.
And we’re both crashing, hard.
My drop started last night, and unfortunately I was not in a space to handle our social obligation very well. It was Global Orgasm Day, and Gabe had organized a get-together, which ended up being at somebody else’s house. There are elements of our uniqueness in the community that played into my thwarted expectations for the evening, but I won’t go into all that now. I had a difficult time plugging into the energy of the evening, and when I eventually needed to leave, the circumstances meant that my desire to leave was a domino that knocked over two other people’s desires for the night. Gah. Messy and unpleasant.
Aside from a great big pile of new insights on a dozen different topics, I think the week is also leading to some insight on my part that I’ll have to learn some new social skills around saying no. I won’t second guess any decisions we made this past week. But I’m aware of two things:
1) There are lots of very pleasant activities that can present themselves as options, especially since Gabe seeks them out, that are not the ideal way for me to balance all my needs. Awesomeness of event is not the only criteria to use in deciding whether to do something in a particular moment. (The flip side is, I’m blessed to have so many wonderful ways available to me to enjoy my life).
2) Time management assumptions have to change now. Before, Gabe’s girlfriend actually took priority, though that wasn’t our explicit goal. Her schedule was so tight, that we both wanted to make the most of any time she had available. I rarely said no to being there, or to supporting Gabe in being there. I also took partial responsibility for planning. That all worked fine under those circumstances. I found balance of schedule, and the high level of participation from me was probably the best way for me to really get to learn poly. Now, he has two local people he dates as well. I have to get used to:
a) being a priority for his time (while this makes perfect sense with our commitments being what they are, it has a hierarchical feel to it that we have previously avoided, and which I have discomfort and a lack of experience with), and
b) me disengaging to some extent from planning and being involved with his time with others. I’m not sure I have adequate language for this use of my energy; it’s not necessarily about spending less time with his lovers (though it may manifest that way). It’s more about taking on less responsibility for his calendar. As much as I like all the people he’s dating, I’m nowhere near capable of dating two people, much less four. It’s not up to me to get their needs met. I have to let him figure out certain things. This feels oddly like putting him in an inappropriate position, even when I look and see the appropriateness of it. But I’ve got to find a way to shift from what I’ve been doing, at least a little. It’s one of the more exhausting elements of this past week that I was pouring so much psychic energy into supporting all of them, when it isn’t quite my place. LOL, maybe it would help if I didn’t like them all so much? Hey y’all! Stop being so damned cute and interesting!
All of my insights and the changes I’m aiming for are fine with him, you understand. The only delay is in me learning it.
Gabe as the Pink Pirate!
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Harlotry, Sexy Vids/Pics
We got flooded in today, so we had a little extra time to do some fun things. The new layout for the blog is one of those. A new photoshoot starring yours truly is the other. We all know my affinity for pink, piracy and genderfuckery (sorry I couldn’t keep up the alliteration). Well, for my birthday party we combined all three and made a pink Jolly Roger with a bow! My various wardrobe additions also left me with a well improvised pink pirate outfit, so a series of pictures was needed.
Subbing and Following
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Kink, Spirit Work
This post may end up as a complete flop. While it’s an idea I’ve wanted to explore, finding any language at all for it has been difficult, and finding common language with Gabe, much less with an entire audience, may be near impossible. But I’ve enjoyed the contemplation of it, and I think it’s an important piece of self-understanding to tease out and watch grow. So, as always, if you have any insights as to how these dynamics play out in your life or what bubbles up in you as you read this, I’d love to hear about them.
The word sub has never quite felt right to me as an identity, even though many – perhaps a majority – of my sexual behaviors and activities with Gabe resemble what others are talking about when they use the word. It feels accurate, up to a point. In certain contexts, in certain moods, at certain times, it comes close to describing how I’m playing with him. I tried on the other common names for subbing/bottoming, and none really fit well either. There is sometimes a submissive dynamic in how I relate to Gabe. But at the heart of what we do, there’s some other separate dynamic going on for me that needs to be distinguished from submitting.
I’m going to borrow a term from my training in improvisational dance, and say that I am, at heart, a follower. One way of interacting while dancing is to be a leader or a follower (you can also switch from leader to follower and back quickly, or meld them together, but for the sake of this discussion let’s paint in broad strokes). We value leaders a lot in our culture… but without followers, leaders don’t exist. Followers, simply put, choose to join a leader in some sort of action. Without followers, you don’t have a chorus line. You only have one person kicking. Without followers, you don’t have ballroom dance. Without following energy, you don’t really have multiple people dancing in any connected way. It takes some level of cue-taking, some level of mirroring something about the first person’s dance for the second person to truly be dancing with them. There must be following going on for a duet to happen.
So, a few things about following that are important to me in sorting this out:
1) Following is a rhythm my body naturally, easily adopts. It is as second nature to me as breathing. It’s the same behavior that leads to me picking up others’ accents or mannerisms easily, or picking up others’ emotional states. It’s the same dynamic that leads me to get tired easily in groups, or to match someone else’s exuberance or quietude easily. It often leads to me working well with mentors, supervisors, or in groups at a workplace. Often Gabe might desire a certain kind of sexual interaction (that may or may not include power exchange), and I can easily meet him there in that mood and be ready. That’s following energy. I can turn it on or off; and after many years I’ve learned how to adjust it to some volume or another in between on and off. But it’s always there in me, active or dormant. One of the great nourishing comforts of our relationship is that it is safe for me to open up to that following energy when we are together. While following is a great gift, it can also be dangerous to indulge in this world. Following, as it exists as a rhythm in me, is rather simple in its nature. It can be highly versatile, but it is a pure thread of who I am. It is a constant presence.
2) This rhythm of following is not about being submissive. It’s not inherently about power exchange, though it can enhance power exchange greatly. I am not generally mimicking someone or adopting some part of them in order to give them control. I’m doing it because my body enjoys feeling that resonance, and because I learn about the world that way. When I was acting in a theatrical setting, I learned new facial expressions and vocal patterns that way. When I was a counselor, I saw more clearly how someone was feeling with this skill. I do not automatically give someone control when I use this part of my nature, though it does lend itself easily to crafting an experience of submission.
Now, about submission. Submitting in a power exchange context is, for me, what I refer to as a role. It’s a whole orchestra of actions, behaviors, decisions, and ways to interact with another person and the world around me. Like being a daughter, or a teacher, or a proofreader, or a babysitter… a role can reflect vitally important parts of ourselves, or be smaller in nature. But they include a level of decision-making in their very existence, and may or may not be a part of our identity. I am not, by identity, a submissive. But I have a relationship and a set of personality traits that open up submissive experiences for me as something that is frequently very satisfying and sacred. A role is what I make of it, what I shape it to be. My submission is a complex crafting of my skills, desires, hopes, fears, and willingness to hand myself over to an experience, together with Gabe’s gifts and direction. It’s a wonderful channel for some of my following energy.
I recently changed my kinkster orientation on Fetlife to ’switch’. While it’s still not as accurate as I’d like, it’s the option on the list that feels most accurate to me. Those who have watched me in power exchange settings so far may be surprised to hear that some part of me connects strongly with the idea of topping. I was unsure myself at the accuracy of this self-observation, until I flashed on an old learning style inventory I took years ago, and remembered being told that I start the bulk of my learning with a long period of observation. I gather information on options and techniques, and eventually I find a relational way into something. Something clicked for me in remembering that. That’s how it has felt, observing various ways of domming and topping, and feeling this insistent thread of desire and self-expression grow very slowly inside me. I have, after all, used leading also as a rhythm in my life many times, with success. I expect that, since it took connecting with Gabe to really explore my bottoming side, that finding the right moment and the right relationship and environment might open up my topping side. Perhaps it will be a third person, or maybe there’s some bottoming in Gabe we haven’t found yet. Since I don’t know what my style is yet, and I don’t know what the future holds, I can’t begin to guess. I can only have faith that I am unfolding in beauty.
Two Marks
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Adventures IRL, Harlotry, Kink
One is almost a cross shape. A short, narrow purple bruise haphazardly meeting a long, bright red splotch, at the angle where the side of my neck bends down toward my left collarbone. With some blissful fogginess, I remember when his mouth met me there. I remember feeling a soft sensuousness, and that tingly pull sucking the blood out of my veins and into my skin. Since I don’t actually feel much discomfort there now it’s pure luck that I looked in the mirror at the right time and was reminded to conceal it before work. It does indeed poke out from under my shirt collar.
Then there’s the other mark. You might not notice it, if you don’t know my neck well… if you don’t know that my skin isn’t normally a slightly redder shade there, or that it isn’t usually swollen there. You might not notice that the redness resembles a line of teeth. THAT one, I vividly feel with every slight shift or ripple of the muscles between my right ear and shoulder. I clearly remember that bite, feeling those teeth sink in, scraping across sinews and hard muscle. That will be a reminder all day (and tomorrow too) of sitting astride him, of feeling the fire between my legs reach up to my neck, his mouth, and beyond.
“Everybody Here Is a Crowd”
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Random Ramblings, Relationships
I was in bed, after a very long and difficult week, and some members of my internal committee began a conversation.
Jealous one: Gabe’s in the other room, and you’re here.
Rest of Self: Yup.
Jo: Did you see what he was doing at his computer when we left? He’s
talking to a girl.
Ros: *smiles* Yeah, I like her, she’s really cool.
Jo: He’s getting to know her, and getting all giddy about it.
Ros: I know, he’s so cute like that!
Jo: But! But, he might stay up late talking to her! When was the last time he stayed up late passionate about YOU?
Ros: *thinks* Well, actually we stay up late having sex pretty frequently.
Jo: BUT!… BUT!!…………….
Ros: *listens attentively*
Jo: …… I got nothing.
The title is a song lyric from Cloud Cult’s “Everybody Here Is a Cloud” from the awesome album Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes).
Gabe’s Birthday Weekend – Part One
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Adventures IRL, Harlotry, Kink, Sexy Vids/Pics
You know a weekend was good when you want to write about it, but it’s Wednesday afternoon before you even try, and the next Monday before you finish the first part. Hell, even with all the Twitterers who were there, next to nothing got tweeted!
Halloween, in addition to being the most awesome holiday evar, is my birthday and for the first time I had a big celebration of me with my friends and chosen family. Much planning went into this event, and it paid off. Many thanks to my dearest Elizabeth for working so hard to put the shindig together. She sent out the invitation emails, coordinated all the special needs, planned how to share space at our house with all of those people, and a dozen other things I won’t list. And I did end up surrounded by awesome people and bathed in affection. There were many hugs, kisses and cuddles, as well as staying up talking until 4am. I don’t remember the last time I had an actual birthday party, so it was really special to have this and to feel so very cared for.
As the first night of the two-night party was the first big gathering of friends we’ve hosted at our home, it was also the first time we’ve invited people to participate in kink and sex in space we provided. While it didn’t devolve into an orgy (believe it or not, that was a good thing) I know I certainly had a good time!
In preparation for Friday’s party I made four ice dildos. Over the course of the week I got to watch Elizabeth go from very hesitant to very intrigued so it was quite a treat to use one on her last Friday night with friends holding her hand and cheering her on. She took more than I expected, but the way she warmed up to the idea (pun intended) over the course of the week should have told me she was going farther than her initial hesitance indicated. You can see the pictures here. I’d love to get the video up as well, but there are many different faces and voice on it, so getting all those permissions may prove difficult. I hope for your sake we can do that, because she’s really quite adorable getting fucked by a big ice cock.
But what of the other three dildos? Well, turns out I had three more volunteers! The first was a dear friend who said that her participation was a birthday gift to me. She was actually the first person down on the blanket to try. It was my first time using ice in such a way, and she was an amazing test subject. While I don’t think she’ll be returning for another go anytime soon I do think we had a good time of it. The second participant was a surprise to me, someone I don’t know well, but who apparently likes ice quite a bit. The third in the lineup was Elizabeth, about whom I’ve already written, and being able to work up to her and get a feel for the toys was a delight for me. And the fourth dildo went to a friend with whom we’ve been having some amazing escapades. I think of all the people who tried my homemade toys she liked them the best. At least it seemed that way when she clamped down on it so hard it shot right out of her. There wasn’t all that much ice left by the time we were done! I had a fantastic time. Not only did I get to play with some people that are quite important to me, but I also got to engage in casual play with someone I didn’t really know well, and that was a first for me! So Friday was a big night.
Next time – Saturday in New Orleans!
Two things (of which there are three) about a partner’s new lovers
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Uncategorized
Up until a month ago, Gabe’s love life outside of me was mostly stable. It consisted almost entirely of a relationship with his most highly awesome girlfriend (who I like a lot). Now, in the last two weeks or so, there’s been big change. He has had:
A) several sexual encounters with a neat girl; I was there for one of them, and I definitely approve.
B) A few nights and many emails of getting to know another girl.
In addition, he got some time with an old dear loving friend and received word that some interest he has in yet another woman is mutual. Yes, it’s high time we get him the full pimp suit.
I have noticed that gaining a second and third co-Gabe-lover is a world away from gaining a first one. The first time around was fraught with long-distance angst and worry, first time mistakes and fears, new identity and role issues for me and big questions of the “how are we going to do this?” variety. This time, for me it’s mostly about meeting awesome new people, and having fun times.
There’s two things I want to talk about, though.
The first is that “feeling special” issue. Yes, I have lots of self-confidence, carefully and proudly cultivated over many years. I know that Gabe loves me for who I am, and I know how complex and powerful our bond is. But there are days when that’s harder to remember than others, when one’s best self can be slightly misplaced. On those days, it’s an easy short cut to put stock in something like “Gabe plugs into music with Red August, and theology with me”, or something like that. She has this area, and I have this one. The set of “Gabe lovers that are not me” has undergone a profound change though — it’s multiplied exponentially now! So that short cut is harder to use. My choices are, 1) to take evolutionary leaps forward and come to understand more deeply our intangible and unique connection, or 2) find more and new short cuts. I’ve explained to him that I need a thorough list of shared interests and important compatibilities of each lovely woman he bangs, in order to develop a specialness chart. He doesn’t seem eager to get back to me on that one.
The other thing I want to talk about is NRE. Now, first off, you should know that I’m not about to complain about it, at all. From what I hear, I get a fantastic version of New Relationship Energy from Gabe. There is no sense of redirection away from me in our household. Gabe just gets giddy. And happy. And has pretty pictures of pretty girls to share with me, both literal and mental. It’s a kind of high that I can groove off of too. I’m starting to think it may be more than just a high, though. I have felt myself on some level picked up and shoved a bit, by this craving for new beginnings. I’ve wanted to leap into newness… but I didn’t have any new beginnings handy. While this has been frustrating, I believe it’s also ultimately shaping some personal growth for me into new areas that will be very valuable.
(Ok. I noticed a third thing. One kind of jealousy that Anita Wagner covers in her awesome jealousy handout in pdf form is an important kind to know about in any romance. It so happened that my partner had a kick-ass wonderful week last week. In this case, it was because of hanging out a lot with two new, beautiful women in his life, but it could have been good news at work or good fortune in some other area. I, on the other hand, had a rather completely shitty week. No, I don’t begrudge him his great week; I’m truly glad he had it. But a lesser person than myself might say that it certainly highlights how the universe was dumping big honking sucky rocks on me. I wouldn’t do that, certainly, but somebody else might. That person might find it handy to unpack what kind of jealousy they’re feeling, and how to live with it.)
