No vote, plenty of nookie

Apparently Sarah Sloane kicked off the #novotenonookie hashtag on Twitter, in which a lot of sex bloggers and other professed sex-positive folks decided that those who didn’t vote on Tuesday were undeserving of sex.

Yep. “Sex positive” now includes convincing folks to refrain from having sex with an entire class of people.

I don’t vote. I haven’t voted in many years. I’m not lazy, apathetic nor jaded.

I’m a pacifist.

Governments are inherently violent. Even democracies and republics are inherently violent. They are built on coercion, force and lack of consent. Governments are the ultimate bad tops. You don’t get to opt out. You don’t get to safeword. And if you don’t comply you get hit with a taser, jailed, stolen from or killed. Nearly every law is a justification for violence, so every vote I cast translates to a quite literal blow against someone. Voting is compliance with nonviolent people getting busted for possession. Voting is compliance with the way prostitutes and their clients are treated by law enforcement.

I’m not refraining from voting because I think my votes don’t count. I’m refraining from voting because I am responsible for what is done with the power I willing hand over to others.

Majority rule may be more fair than other systems, but it is still inherently violent. I choose not to participate in that violence of my own free will.

Out of principle, ethics and love I refuse to vote.

Luckily I still get plenty of nookie.

Two things (of which there are three) about a partner’s new lovers

Up until a month ago, Gabe’s love life outside of me was mostly stable. It consisted almost entirely of a relationship with his most highly awesome girlfriend (who I like a lot). Now, in the last two weeks or so, there’s been big change. He has had:

A) several sexual encounters with a neat girl; I was there for one of them, and I definitely approve.
B) A few nights and many emails of getting to know another girl.

In addition, he got some time with an old dear loving friend and received word that some interest he has in yet another woman is mutual. Yes, it’s high time we get him the full pimp suit.

I have noticed that gaining a second and third co-Gabe-lover is a world away from gaining a first one. The first time around was fraught with long-distance angst and worry, first time mistakes and fears, new identity and role issues for me and big questions of the “how are we going to do this?” variety. This time, for me it’s mostly about meeting awesome new people, and having fun times.

There’s two things I want to talk about, though.

The first is that “feeling special” issue. Yes, I have lots of self-confidence, carefully and proudly cultivated over many years. I know that Gabe loves me for who I am, and I know how complex and powerful our bond is. But there are days when that’s harder to remember than others, when one’s best self can be slightly misplaced. On those days, it’s an easy short cut to put stock in something like “Gabe plugs into music with Red August, and theology with me”, or something like that. She has this area, and I have this one. The set of “Gabe lovers that are not me” has undergone a profound change though — it’s multiplied exponentially now! So that short cut is harder to use. My choices are, 1) to take evolutionary leaps forward and come to understand more deeply our intangible and unique connection, or 2) find more and new short cuts. I’ve explained to him that I need a thorough list of shared interests and important compatibilities of each lovely woman he bangs, in order to develop a specialness chart. He doesn’t seem eager to get back to me on that one.

The other thing I want to talk about is NRE. Now, first off, you should know that I’m not about to complain about it, at all. From what I hear, I get a fantastic version of New Relationship Energy from Gabe. There is no sense of redirection away from me in our household. Gabe just gets giddy. And happy. And has pretty pictures of pretty girls to share with me, both literal and mental. It’s a kind of high that I can groove off of too. I’m starting to think it may be more than just a high, though. I have felt myself on some level picked up and shoved a bit, by this craving for new beginnings. I’ve wanted to leap into newness… but I didn’t have any new beginnings handy. While this has been frustrating, I believe it’s also ultimately shaping some personal growth for me into new areas that will be very valuable.

(Ok. I noticed a third thing. One kind of jealousy that Anita Wagner covers in her awesome jealousy handout in pdf form is an important kind to know about in any romance. It so happened that my partner had a kick-ass wonderful week last week. In this case, it was because of hanging out a lot with two new, beautiful women in his life, but it could have been good news at work or good fortune in some other area. I, on the other hand, had a rather completely shitty week. No, I don’t begrudge him his great week; I’m truly glad he had it. But a lesser person than myself might say that it certainly highlights how the universe was dumping big honking sucky rocks on me. I wouldn’t do that, certainly, but somebody else might. That person might find it handy to unpack what kind of jealousy they’re feeling, and how to live with it.)

Hey!

Gabe’s hot rendition of our trip home made it into The Week in Kink #23! Woot!

We’ve gotten good feedback in other venues about that story, but we still don’t have any direct comments on it. Be sure and let us know what you think!

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The End of Foreplay

I’ve sworn off foreplay. I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned that.

Not that I dislike touching, kissing, groping, licking, biting, etc. It’s just that none of that is something separate from “actual sex.” I can spend hours having a fun, intense, exciting, satisfying, meaningful time fucking someone, and not get around to putting my penis in her vagina. But I was there. I know it was sex.

This idea that foreplay is something that men do for women to get them in the mood before the real action begins is ludicrous (not to mention heterosexist). Sex is sex, no matter what particular acts I’m engaging in.

Less foreplay. More sex.

Library porn!

Torture of a Collared Librarian? Librarian BDSM porn? I think I’m going to have to get this! (Found via Spank the Librarian)

That reminds me, I told my boss I’m a sex blogger. It was actually relevant to the discussion, and she was unphased. So now I’m out as poly, out as a sex blogger, and probably out as kinky since I said my objection to The Secretary was “But they’re doing it wrong!” And somehow they still like me. Awesome.
 

 

Hollywood, Media and Body Image

The short version is: Keira Knightley recently refused to consent to a very common practice: having her body digitally changed for publicity shots (in this case, having her boobs enlarged in a photo).

Here is the ABC story that I first came across, when I was pointed there by a friend. ABC filters the story (accurately, by my taste) through a body image theme, and does a decent job of discussing some issues (the embedded 4 minute video is a longer version of the written story, and is worth sitting through the 30-second commercial first).

In looking around, however, I discover that every other news article I can find is much more scattered, ambivalent, and/or unreflective in their writing. Fox News gave a second hand quote about how proud Knightley is of her body, then ended their piece with a direct quote emphasizing how much the actress would loooooove to have bigger tits. Many other news sources (mostly online newspapers) emphasize her pride in her “slim” figure, her desire for bigger boobs, or both.

I don’t really know Knightley’s feelings, or who is accurately representing them. I do know who is reemphasizing the fucked-up, catch 22 cultural standards of self-abuse we are all supposed to maintain, and who is… well, jumping on a different bandwagon with their agenda, but is at least attempting to provide more media literacy and greater education and personal choice in how we take in images.

Quick Note from Tech Support

We’re aware that the cut doesn’t transfer in the Livejournal feed, so our LJ friends have lewd pictures strewn indiscreetly across their friends page. We’ll get that fixed before the next picture post.