Elizabeth on Age Play

Gabe and I do age play, and have done so since we began dating. Despite our prolific writings on our sex life, we haven’t written on this subject yet. Part of my hesitation is that it’s a sacred and vulnerable thing for us, and is difficult to put into words. Part of it is certainly that this subject has a high squick factor for a lot of people, and is sometimes misunderstood as a dangerous “slippery slope”, and personally I haven’t yet wanted to deal with the potential responses. But I have eventually wanted to find a way to share.

So, here goes. I have two personas that I will occasionally inhabit (one at a time): Grace is 5 years old, and Lucy is 12. I have been surprised to see how nuanced both of them have become as personalities. Gabe has one persona: Daddy, that plays with each of us separately. Grace is very playful, and very much about joy. She likes soft blankets and making forts with them. She likes making up stories, and making animal sounds. Gabe can tell from my giggle when I’ve fallen into Gracie headspace. Being Grace is a delight, in so many ways. She is an altered state of effortless eagerness and pleasure. Lucy is 12. She is both a child and a grown-up. She’s trying everything on, and everything is new… and she is beginning to shape her opinions of it all. She enjoys romantic gestures and romantic movies. Valentine’s Day and Mardi Gras are two of her favorite holidays. She likes both pajamas and sexy lingerie, and has been known to really like wearing make-up. Gabe can often tell from my word choice that I’ve gone into Lucyspace, without any other cues.

Part of the challenge of finding words is a fear of spoiling what is preverbal about our age play. They are each a near-complete shift of consciousness for me. There is an immediacy that is unique to our interactions as Daddy and Babygirl (a nickname for all of me) that bypasses the usual analytical and heady elements of our relationship. The sensations I receive as Gracie are very different than the sensations I receive as Lucy, and the sensations I receive as my overarching identity Elizabeth. Since I’m not sure that I can describe the difference, or want to right now, I’ll leave it at that.

Some element of both Grace and Lucy is what I call “redemptive lying” — together Gabe and I create an alternate universe where I am having a much more pleasant 5 year-old and 12-year old experience than I actually did. Lucy especially has been a great gift to me in that regard. When I was actually 12, I was already the primary caretaker for my mother, who is deeply mentally ill and yet passes for functional. I secretly had a terrifying home life at the time, and everything related to being a teen has had a thick veil of dread around it that I have slowly fought to tear away piece by piece. With Lucy, I can effortlessly be a different me, and experience the both/and teen years in a place of being loved into great personal strength, and being cared for when overwhelmed. I don’t have to start in Elizabeth’s constant starting place for adult relationships, and work my way out of that hole. I can be Lucy, be lighter and freer. My previous trauma is not the reason for her existence; she was born out of something more life-affirming than that. But it is a healing that Lucy gifts me with. Grace is a similar outlet, a way to step outside my usual heavy use of analysis and careful attention to boundaries and others’ needs. None of those things are bad; in fact I adore them all. But occasionally stepping outside them leads me to experiences I wouldn’t otherwise have. It makes me feel more whole as a person, and gives me insights I can bring back into my Elizabeth self.

Both Grace and Lucy are stories we tell with one another that bring out a different experience of joy and pleasure. They’re two whole new palettes of colors to paint with in creating our sex lives together. Some will say that their age play is not always or not even primarily sexual. I have occasionally been Grace or Lucy without sexual play (if you’ve seen me coloring at events recently, I’m often in one little space or another). But for the most part it’s a very sexual connection, specifically with Gabe. Yes, Daddy and Gracie have sex, and Lucy and Daddy have sex. It is very much about the sex for Gabe and I, where we can touch those parts of me that interact with those parts of him, and bond them in a sexual way. It is NOT in any way about violating real-life childhood sexualities. It is about exploring something very much in the context of adult sexuality. I can relate one part of this dynamic to the way memory is created — my memories of being a child now are heavily shaped by my adult experiences. In the same way, my alternate experience of being 5 and 12 can only be understood through my adult self, and my adult sexuality. They are facets of me and my full adult self, my connection to my life force and to Gabe, and so they are naturally erotic in nature. They are stories I am writing, and I make them sexual. Gabe does not play the role of a biological father, but of a caregiver to me as I surrender certain specific parts of myself and take up other parts. I can’t speak to others’ experiences, but incest has little to no draw for me. Age play is a far different kink.

Grace and Lucy have not yet played much with others, at least not to the knowledge of others around. I’m very protective of them. I suspect it will eventually happen, but can’t really speak to the future. They both live very much in the present moment — another gift they give me.

(For a brief but thorough introduction to age play, I suggest Lee Harrington’s book The Toybag Guide To Age Play. It is a very quick and informational read.)

Uses of Pain

I’m not a pain slut, nor an anguissette*. I’ve heard folks talk about enjoying adrenaline rushes from the pain, or about it sending them directly into a special headspace, but I don’t have those gifts. That’s not how I plug into it.

I’m aware of two ways I use my reception of pain.

The first is relational; it’s about receiving something from Gabe that’s visceral and holy. It’s about being ripped apart either to be consumed and transformed by something sacred, or to feel it (and him) deeply inside me. I’m reminded of references to the mere image or sound of God as something too powerful to be contained in the human body (remember the end of Dogma?). In these cases, I take in pain because it reminds me that taking in the full expression of who we are includes both pleasure and pain, that the divine encompasses all that and more. I take in pain, as well as pleasure, because making room for it all makes me larger. This is very much connected to the context of my relationship with Gabe, which has always included an element of spiritual companionship.

The second way I receive pain is as a tool to reach an altered state of consciousness. If I am properly centered and open to the experience, pain is one of several experiences that can take me into a meditative headspace. It’s important to me, though, that I embrace the pain and don’t use it to detach from my body; this might distinguish my use of it from some others’ meditative use of pain. I also need a larger framework, as the pain alone doesn’t help me get there (this might distinguish me from yet others’ ways of working with it). This is something that has taken some practice on my part, but is quite powerful for me. All public play that I’ve done with pain has been of this kind, likely because it is the more plannable of the two.

*For the record, I’m much more of an Imriel than a Phedre, but that’s a whole other post.

Subbing and Following

This post may end up as a complete flop. While it’s an idea I’ve wanted to explore, finding any language at all for it has been difficult, and finding common language with Gabe, much less with an entire audience, may be near impossible. But I’ve enjoyed the contemplation of it, and I think it’s an important piece of self-understanding to tease out and watch grow. So, as always, if you have any insights as to how these dynamics play out in your life or what bubbles up in you as you read this, I’d love to hear about them.

The word sub has never quite felt right to me as an identity, even though many – perhaps a majority – of my sexual behaviors and activities with Gabe resemble what others are talking about when they use the word. It feels accurate, up to a point. In certain contexts, in certain moods, at certain times, it comes close to describing how I’m playing with him. I tried on the other common names for subbing/bottoming, and none really fit well either. There is sometimes a submissive dynamic in how I relate to Gabe. But at the heart of what we do, there’s some other separate dynamic going on for me that needs to be distinguished from submitting.

I’m going to borrow a term from my training in improvisational dance, and say that I am, at heart, a follower. One way of interacting while dancing is to be a leader or a follower (you can also switch from leader to follower and back quickly, or meld them together, but for the sake of this discussion let’s paint in broad strokes). We value leaders a lot in our culture… but without followers, leaders don’t exist. Followers, simply put, choose to join a leader in some sort of action. Without followers, you don’t have a chorus line. You only have one person kicking. Without followers, you don’t have ballroom dance. Without following energy, you don’t really have multiple people dancing in any connected way. It takes some level of cue-taking, some level of mirroring something about the first person’s dance for the second person to truly be dancing with them. There must be following going on for a duet to happen.

So, a few things about following that are important to me in sorting this out:

1) Following is a rhythm my body naturally, easily adopts. It is as second nature to me as breathing. It’s the same behavior that leads to me picking up others’ accents or mannerisms easily, or picking up others’ emotional states. It’s the same dynamic that leads me to get tired easily in groups, or to match someone else’s exuberance or quietude easily. It often leads to me working well with mentors, supervisors, or in groups at a workplace. Often Gabe might desire a certain kind of sexual interaction (that may or may not include power exchange), and I can easily meet him there in that mood and be ready. That’s following energy. I can turn it on or off; and after many years I’ve learned how to adjust it to some volume or another in between on and off. But it’s always there in me, active or dormant. One of the great nourishing comforts of our relationship is that it is safe for me to open up to that following energy when we are together. While following is a great gift, it can also be dangerous to indulge in this world. Following, as it exists as a rhythm in me, is rather simple in its nature. It can be highly versatile, but it is a pure thread of who I am. It is a constant presence.

2) This rhythm of following is not about being submissive. It’s not inherently about power exchange, though it can enhance power exchange greatly. I am not generally mimicking someone or adopting some part of them in order to give them control. I’m doing it because my body enjoys feeling that resonance, and because I learn about the world that way. When I was acting in a theatrical setting, I learned new facial expressions and vocal patterns that way. When I was a counselor, I saw more clearly how someone was feeling with this skill. I do not automatically give someone control when I use this part of my nature, though it does lend itself easily to crafting an experience of submission.

Now, about submission. Submitting in a power exchange context is, for me, what I refer to as a role. It’s a whole orchestra of actions, behaviors, decisions, and ways to interact with another person and the world around me. Like being a daughter, or a teacher, or a proofreader, or a babysitter… a role can reflect vitally important parts of ourselves, or be smaller in nature. But they include a level of decision-making in their very existence, and may or may not be a part of our identity. I am not, by identity, a submissive. But I have a relationship and a set of personality traits that open up submissive experiences for me as something that is frequently very satisfying and sacred. A role is what I make of it, what I shape it to be. My submission is a complex crafting of my skills, desires, hopes, fears, and willingness to hand myself over to an experience, together with Gabe’s gifts and direction. It’s a wonderful channel for some of my following energy.

I recently changed my kinkster orientation on Fetlife to ‘switch’. While it’s still not as accurate as I’d like, it’s the option on the list that feels most accurate to me. Those who have watched me in power exchange settings so far may be surprised to hear that some part of me connects strongly with the idea of topping. I was unsure myself at the accuracy of this self-observation, until I flashed on an old learning style inventory I took years ago, and remembered being told that I start the bulk of my learning with a long period of observation. I gather information on options and techniques, and eventually I find a relational way into something. Something clicked for me in remembering that. That’s how it has felt, observing various ways of domming and topping, and feeling this insistent thread of desire and self-expression grow very slowly inside me. I have, after all, used leading also as a rhythm in my life many times, with success. I expect that, since it took connecting with Gabe to really explore my bottoming side, that finding the right moment and the right relationship and environment might open up my topping side. Perhaps it will be a third person, or maybe there’s some bottoming in Gabe we haven’t found yet. Since I don’t know what my style is yet, and I don’t know what the future holds, I can’t begin to guess. I can only have faith that I am unfolding in beauty.

Two Marks

One is almost a cross shape. A short, narrow purple bruise haphazardly meeting a long, bright red splotch, at the angle where the side of my neck bends down toward my left collarbone. With some blissful fogginess, I remember when his mouth met me there. I remember feeling a soft sensuousness, and that tingly pull sucking the blood out of my veins and into my skin. Since I don’t actually feel much discomfort there now it’s pure luck that I looked in the mirror at the right time and was reminded to conceal it before work. It does indeed poke out from under my shirt collar.

Then there’s the other mark. You might not notice it, if you don’t know my neck well… if you don’t know that my skin isn’t normally a slightly redder shade there, or that it isn’t usually swollen there. You might not notice that the redness resembles a line of teeth. THAT one, I vividly feel with every slight shift or ripple of the muscles between my right ear and shoulder. I clearly remember that bite, feeling those teeth sink in, scraping across sinews and hard muscle. That will be a reminder all day (and tomorrow too) of sitting astride him, of feeling the fire between my legs reach up to my neck, his mouth, and beyond.

Gabe’s Birthday Weekend – Part One

You know a weekend was good when you want to write about it, but it’s Wednesday afternoon before you even try, and the next Monday before you finish the first part. Hell, even with all the Twitterers who were there, next to nothing got tweeted!

Halloween, in addition to being the most awesome holiday evar, is my birthday and for the first time I had a big celebration of me with my friends and chosen family. Much planning went into this event, and it paid off. Many thanks to my dearest Elizabeth for working so hard to put the shindig together. She sent out the invitation emails, coordinated all the special needs, planned how to share space at our house with all of those people, and a dozen other things I won’t list. And I did end up surrounded by awesome people and bathed in affection. There were many hugs, kisses and cuddles, as well as staying up talking until 4am. I don’t remember the last time I had an actual birthday party, so it was really special to have this and to feel so very cared for.

As the first night of the two-night party was the first big gathering of friends we’ve hosted at our home, it was also the first time we’ve invited people to participate in kink and sex in space we provided. While it didn’t devolve into an orgy (believe it or not, that was a good thing) I know I certainly had a good time!

In preparation for Friday’s party I made four ice dildos. Over the course of the week I got to watch Elizabeth go from very hesitant to very intrigued so it was quite a treat to use one on her last Friday night with friends holding her hand and cheering her on. She took more than I expected, but the way she warmed up to the idea (pun intended) over the course of the week should have told me she was going farther than her initial hesitance indicated. You can see the pictures here. I’d love to get the video up as well, but there are many different faces and voice on it, so getting all those permissions may prove difficult. I hope for your sake we can do that, because she’s really quite adorable getting fucked by a big ice cock.

But what of the other three dildos? Well, turns out I had three more volunteers! The first was a dear friend who said that her participation was a birthday gift to me. She was actually the first person down on the blanket to try. It was my first time using ice in such a way, and she was an amazing test subject. While I don’t think she’ll be returning for another go anytime soon I do think we had a good time of it. The second participant was a surprise to me, someone I don’t know well, but who apparently likes ice quite a bit. The third in the lineup was Elizabeth, about whom I’ve already written, and being able to work up to her and get a feel for the toys was a delight for me. And the fourth dildo went to a friend with whom we’ve been having some amazing escapades. I think of all the people who tried my homemade toys she liked them the best. At least it seemed that way when she clamped down on it so hard it shot right out of her. There wasn’t all that much ice left by the time we were done! I had a fantastic time. Not only did I get to play with some people that are quite important to me, but I also got to engage in casual play with someone I didn’t really know well, and that was a first for me! So Friday was a big night.

Next time – Saturday in New Orleans!

Pray Without Ceasing

I am constantly amazed how many different ways something can feel prayerful, how many different ways sex can be a prayer.

Gabe and I had an experience Thursday night. As we began, I expected a quiet lovemaking session. Events slowly, organically turned. Energy shifted from caressing to pushing and pulling. Teeth and nails got involved and tears started, and I opened up and began to feel a special sacred space around me. I felt myself ripping open, being cleansed, being touched everywhere. I don’t know how he knew, but Gabe could tell where I was even when I couldn’t verbalize it, and he led me through multiple steps of an amazing, healing, creative journey. Through movement, and eye contact, and a few words, he told a whole story that rang through me like a bell. It was as though the whole thing was a guided meditation, building just what I needed inside me.

I felt something deep awaken. I felt strength – my unique strength – expanding within me. I felt my self expand and fill the space. I reclaimed my own fierceness. I remembered and reclaimed the fierceness in my spiritual role models – in Phedre, who fiercely submits. In Jesus, who fiercely submits.

In my pocket today, I have the prayer beads Gabe gave me years ago. The smooth blue beads lend a coolness to my hands as the heat continues to rise, in my heart and in my eyes. Days later, the effort lingers in my muscles. The push and pull is quieter, but still echoing. My voice was stretched sore from the touch of all that strength pouring through. For an instant, I had the name of God touch my flesh. It burns and enlivens.

The Yielding of Night

I’d like to welcome another brilliant and sexy writer to the world of sex blogging. After sharing several of her journal entries about her experiences, the lovely Nyx has taken my advice and started her own blog about her adventures in sex and BDSM. I encourage you to visit The Yielding of Night. Leave her some comments (we all know bloggers thrive on them) and add her to your regular feeds. I assure you, she’s worth it.


I wanted her inside me

I wanted her inside me. I wanted to suck her cock. I wanted her cock in my ass. I got what I wanted. She’s very good about giving me what I want.

I teased her with my tongue and watched her quiver. I slid my lips up and down around her cock while my fingers played with her clit. Too roughly, she told me, and I eased my ministrations. I became enraptured with sending all my erotic energy, all my desire to her through the cock in my mouth. She began to rub her clit. I asked her if she was going to come in my mouth. She said she might. I told her that’s what I wanted. She came hard just after I felt the head slip back into my throat for the third time. I kept stroking her gently, the smooth silicone wet with my saliva.

She worked her glorious cock into me slowly. The head felt huge going in, even though I know it’s not. My muscles clamped down hard once it was inside. My legs were up in the air. She eased forward. I was impatient. I wrapped my legs around her. I pulled her hard into me.

She rocked gently back and forth. “Harder,” I said. She got more frenzied, bucking up against me. “Fuck me hard, bitch!” I bellowed. Stop. More lube. Start over. Slowly. Faster. Harder. She grabbed my cock with her lube slicked hand and jacked me off while slamming her cock hard and deep into me. I screamed. I came. I kept coming.

I wanted her inside me.

I got what I wanted.


Elizabeth and I are on lolkink.com! Go check it out!







Pleasurists #6

Jack & Katya by Digital Willy’s

Pleasurists is your round-up of the adult product reviews that came out in the last seven days from bloggers all around the sex blogosphere. Did you miss Pleasurists #5? Read it all here. Do you have a review for Pleasurists #7? Submit it here before Sunday December 7th at 11:59pm PST. Please re-post this list on your own blogs if listed.

Want to win some free swag? All you’ve got to do is enter.
Enter my Contest! Win Porn from Kink.Com! Deadline December 6th.

Want to play secret santa to one of your fellow bloggers? Now’s your chance!
Sign up for the Secret Santa XXXchange! Sign up period ends December 5th.

On to the reviews…

Editor’s Pick
Ophoria Pleasure #6 by Wendy Blackheart
“Well fuck me in the ass.
No really. That’s what I did as soon as I got this toy out of the package!”
Note: How could I resist picking a toy called Pleasure #6 for Pleasurists #6? But more than that, this review made me want to own an Ophoria Pleasure #6, which is the highest criteria for my weekly pick.

Madame Editrix
Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek

Hitachi Magic Wand by Erin Leone
Slimline Vibrator Review by FeministInPink
Dynamic Duo by Erin Leone
Acuvibe by Sexorcism
Waterproof Rhapsody, Symphony Edition by Epiphora
Finger Sleeve with Vibrating Bullet by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
LELO Elise by Curvaceous Dee
G-Spot Dream Massager by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
Slimline Vibrator by Holden of Packing Vocals
Hop ‘n Rabbit Stroker Vibrator by Catalina Loves
The Seduction: Pretty in Pink by Domina Doll

Cobalt Dutchess by Phaedra Fallen
Acute and Silk by Ansley Agnello
Don Wands Blue Tip Clear Rings Glass Dildo by Epiphora
Ophoria Pleasure no. 6 by Ansley Agnello
Pure Pleasure Glass Dildo by Sylvanus and Mina of At Longing’s End
Blueberry Twist Glass Juicer by Shasta Gibson of Stiletto Diaries

Anal Toys
Pure Perfection – njoy Pure Plug by Thursday’s Child
Bootie by Ansley Agnello
The Flexi Felix – Best. Pet. Evar. by Elizabeth and Gabe of Pornocracy

Upside Down by Lolita Wolf
Lollipop Crop by Sinclair Sexsmith
Leopard Restraints by Betty Rocket
Blue Leather Blindfold by Ang

Lube/Massage Oil
Babeland Massage Oil Spray by Erin Leone
Babeland Body Kit by Hot Movies for Her
Eros Bodyglide by Essin’ Em
Strawberry Cheesecake O’My Lube by Scarlet Lotus Sexgeek
Maximus – Best Lube Evah by Betty Rocket
Not a box of bees by Bad Bad Girl

Adult Movies/Porn
Straight Guys For Gay Eyes & Women Too! – Nick by J.D. Bauchery
Bree & Sasha by The Porn Librarian
Safe is Desire by J.D. Bauchery
Crash Pad Series, Volume 2-Unlocked by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival
Perversions of Lesbian Lust Vol. 1 by Domina Doll

Devine Satchel by Dangerous Lilly
The Velvet Touch Harness by Thursday’s Child
Jaguar Harness by Betty Rocket
How Dirty Toys Get Clean – Toy Cleaner by Thursday’s Child
Smart Balls by Domina Doll on Viviane’s Sex Carnival