Mistress Matisse Is Just Plain Wrong
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Mono/Poly Resources, Random Ramblings, Relationships
For the last day and a half I’ve been trying to figure out how to address this adequately, and coming up short, so I’ll just say it like this..
Mistress Matisse fucked this up royally.
A recent Stranger column by Mistress Matisse attempted to tackle the phenomenon of mono folks dating poly folks in order to change them, to rescue them from their wayward ways and live the romantic story of loving someone so hard that they became who they “should” be. I’ve seen of this kind of thing happen. It’s disrespectful at best and damaging to a person’s psyche at worst. It’s something that needs to be addressed.
Unfortunately Matisse did so terribly, and in the process insulted a lot of people.
She starts off describing monogamous “cowboys” who date poly folks to “persuade them to sever existing relationships and embrace monogamy,” but then paints every mono person who dates a poly person as one of those people.
Instead of speaking of cowboys and cowgirls, her language drifts into “monogamist” and “someone who is clearly monogamous” while still attributing the cowboy behavior to them.
She says
Viewed through a monogamist’s gaze, dropping your lasso on a wandering heart is the stuff of songs, literature, and drama.
Not “through a cowboy/girl’s gaze,” which would make sense. She’s now expanded the manipulative behavior to all mono folks. So us poly folks are the fodder for the romantic fantasies of those monos, eh? The reason one of them would be attracted to one of us is because they can save us and teach us the truth about love.
She just defined monogamous ideals across the board as the fairy tale manipulative machinations of a Harlequin romance novel. If you only want to have one relationship at a time, this must be your drive.
She goes on to say:
Why the hell would a poly person get romantically involved with someone who is clearly monogamous in the first place? The honest answer is something like: hormones, misguided optimism and willful self-delusion, more hormones, and a little emotional masochism
And the only reason one of us would want to date one of them is that we’re horny and deluding ourselves. Right. It couldn’t possibly be valuing that person, up to and including the way that they love.
Where Matisse goes wrong in painting mono/poly pairings as cowperson/cow is in the expectation that a person of one relational orientation requires the same of their partner. Sometimes that’s true, and sometimes that’s not. In my case, obviously, it’s not. Some folks, in order to be fulfilled, need their partner’s to have the same sort of numerical setup that they have. But how I work and what I need from my partner are two different issues.
Think of it like this. I’m starting a band, and I LOVE Black Sabbath. I bring Sabbath’s influence to my writing and playing. My bandmates find their inspiration in other places, like Black Flag, Bop and Jesus Freaks like Larry Norman. But we’re willing to work together, we’re compatible as writers and musicians, and we find unique, beautiful ways to blend our influences.
My buddy, another Sabbath freak, is trying to start up a band too. He found a couple of guys to play with who really believe that Led Zeppelin started heavy metal. My buddy decides to go ahead and start a band with them, even though he can’t stand Zeppelin. He figures if he just plays them enough Sabbath, and explains why its so wonderful, he can change their minds.
Which one of these is going to make it past 3 practices?
Now, is it the love of Black Sabbath that dooms bands? No. It’s requiring of others what they’re not willing to give, and not being up front about that.
In the same way, monogamy isn’t the problem in the mono-poly relationships. Those can be done really well. The problem is approaching ANY relationship as a means of changing someone to fit one person’s ideals.
It’s obvious Matisse doesn’t think so. After moving away from the cowperson language, as quoted above, she then goes on to say:
I can promise you, if you’re poly and you’re involved with someone who’s not, once the hot sex cools off and reality sets in, every single problem that occurs in the relationship will somehow devolve to: You’re fucking other people.
Suddenly Matisse knows everything there is to know about the workings of every mixed-orientation relationship. She’s just guaranteed us all that every mono person in a relationship with a poly person requires that their partner love and fuck only them. There’s no room for differentiating between two related but different needs. Matisse knows better than Elizabeth does that Elizabeth HATES me fucking other people.
And that is complete and utter bullshit.
I’ve respected Matisse’s advice in the past. I enjoy the podcast she does with Monk. I read her blog. That’s why I’m so waylaid by her sudden lack of nuance. The abruptness of her shift from talking about disrespectful behavior to asserting that behavior exists where it does not makes me angry.
Had she stayed talking about cowfolk, she could have had some useful insights, maybe even helped a few people. That without even seeing it she equated all mono-poly relationships with manipulation and abuse is impossible to overlook and difficult to forgive.
The problem with terrible behavior is the terrible behavior, not the other attributes that the person exhibiting it has.
It turns out, Elizabeth doesn’t need to love Black Sabbath the way I do. She’s just got to love that I love them. She does, and we make beautiful music together.
“Everybody Here Is a Crowd”
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Random Ramblings, Relationships
I was in bed, after a very long and difficult week, and some members of my internal committee began a conversation.
Jealous one: Gabe’s in the other room, and you’re here.
Rest of Self: Yup.
Jo: Did you see what he was doing at his computer when we left? He’s
talking to a girl.
Ros: *smiles* Yeah, I like her, she’s really cool.
Jo: He’s getting to know her, and getting all giddy about it.
Ros: I know, he’s so cute like that!
Jo: But! But, he might stay up late talking to her! When was the last time he stayed up late passionate about YOU?
Ros: *thinks* Well, actually we stay up late having sex pretty frequently.
Jo: BUT!… BUT!!…………….
Ros: *listens attentively*
Jo: …… I got nothing.
The title is a song lyric from Cloud Cult’s “Everybody Here Is a Cloud” from the awesome album Feel Good Ghosts (Tea-Partying Through Tornadoes).
My cock is not comparable to your dead cow
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Random Ramblings, Sex Education
I have an average sized cock. It’s around 5.5″-6″ when hard. Yes, I’ve measured. In the bell curve of penises I fall right about in the middle. And I’m still insecure about the size of my cock. I think most guys are.
Given all of that it was hard today to see Tristan Taormino retweet this:
RT AdriannaNicole Some people don’t like to consume beef, I don’t like to consume small cocks. Same. Thanks for making me smile today.
While I’d certainly not deny that people have and have a right to their preferences, I agree with what Elizabeth said, also on Twitter:
A major sex educator feeding a highly charged issue like that is irresponsible in my eyes.
So let’s turn the table for a moment and put in any other attribute. Substitute any of the following for “small cocks”: small tits, fat thighs, stretch marks, large labia minora, body hair. Am I just stating a preference then, or am I also reinforcing some pretty serious cultural programming and its attendant negative effects? And if I’m a high profile sex educator, then what message is that sending?
Isn’t part of the job of the sex educator, particularly a sex-positive sex educator, to help normalize the variations of the human body? Shouldn’t we be looking at ways to expand the sexual palate instead of reinforcing the cultural standards of what bodies should be like, especially when it comes to issues that carry so much body hatred with them already?
Ultimately I may be a bit of a hippie elitist. If your preferences are to avoid a certain attribute of a particular body part then it seems you’re more concerned with what you’re fucking than who you’re fucking. I would hope that sex-positivity would lead to whole-body sexuality over body part focused sexuality.
Making Room
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Random Ramblings, Relationships, Spirit Work
I actually wrote this for my personal blog, as it deals with things like my faith and my politics, but I realize I can’t separate those things out from my sexuality. What I discuss here affects who and how we fuck. It informs the philosophy behind this site and why we think it’s important to put ourselves out there the way we do. So I offer this to you. I assume that most of our readers are neither Christians nor Anarchists, but I hope that you see where we’re coming from nonetheless.
I mentioned this on Twitter, but I think it bears further exploration. More and more my expression of my faith and my politics (Christianity and Anarchism) is in gracious hospitality. I’m not always good at it (either the grace, the hospitality or both), but making space for others seems to be the most true way that my beliefs take shape.
Even from the start of Jesus’ narrative, making space is important. No one made space for his parents just before his birth, so they made space for him where they could find it. I often seem to reference Leonard Cohen’s “Anthem” when talking about my ideal of working in the world, and I’m going to do so again. In it he sings “There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”
We live in an inhospitable world. We live in a world of rigidity, of yours and mine, of control and institution. But in that world, there are always little places where the control is broken. Those are the cracks. When Mary and Joseph and whoever else may have been involved go and find a feed trough for the kid, they’re moving in those cracks. Maybe making new ones, holding old ones open or even making existing cracks bigger. They’re making space.
In my world making space means several things. One is the conventional idea of hospitality. I offer physical space to people. They have a place to stay, food to eat, etc. Even that, though, is bigger than it sounds. Making room for people means making sure that they have a place in which they feel comfortable being themselves. It’s only with actually doing that for people that it’s become so important for me. Being in my home is, I hope, a place where people can relax into themselves, not have to be on guard, and feel safe. Especially emotionally. I’ve done that more over the last year or so than I ever have before. I didn’t realize how nourishing it is to me until I started doing it. But whatever I may do to offer, I get back the joy of having real connections with other people, and knowing that I facilitated their connections with others. Hospitality is not a cross to bear. It’s a joy that I share with people. More of our political, ethical and religious practices need to come from joy.
But there’s something more than opening my home in making room for others. It means cultivating an openness to and grace when dealing with other points of view. This part is harder for me, but no less important. Making room for people in the conversation is as important as making physical space for them. Being open to receiving others is at the heart of hospitality. It is non-authoritarian at its root, as I’m not even imposing my reality on them. That’s a lot harder than cooking supper. But the source is still joy, as making room for others in the conversation is where you find those cracks that allow you to really commune with another.
When Jesus said “Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me” he wasn’t speaking in metaphor. The people we open ourselves to are not acting as substitutes for God. It’s in those real, true connections that are only found in gracious opening that you experience God directly. That’s how the light gets in.
Going beyond opening my home and being open to the other, even when there are significant differences, there is the creation of the space to do this work. The blogs, books and conferences of the emerging church are doing this. I think Kink for All is doing this. And what I’m trying to do right now in starting a poly meetup is doing this. I have a need, and I think others have a need as well, to find connections over this common point, to offer and receive support. In creating a space for this, I am acting out my hospitality.
So, other than the non-imposition of worldview, what has this to do with anarchism? Making space is direct action. It is not relying on any power structure or institution to meet people’s needs. It’s saying “I see this need. I will meet it.” It is also mutual aid. The more we make room for each other, the more we offer to each other, the more we thrive without the need for coercion and force.
I’ve been worrying lately about how on earth I can live my faith and live my politics in a world in which I have material wealth (comparatively) and am privileged by society because of my race, gender and education. And everywhere I looked I found joylessness and asceticism as the solution. I found anger and self-hate over being born into a sin filled world. Kate Bornstein wrote in the preface to Pomosexuals, “it’s too scary to look at without some promise of laughter at the end of the read, some playfulness as a reward to all the painful self-inquisition.” That’s how a felt as I looked for ways to bring my beliefs into practice. All I found were indictments of myself for being born in a fucked up world, and no one seemed to want to work from the joy of existence to fix it.
It came to being in church yesterday, hearing a sermon with so much focus on sin, and being confronted with the sheer absurdity of letting a 4000 year old moral code dictate my ethics. I wasn’t there to hear about adultery, I was there looking for God. And then it came time for communion, and I prayed, “Please, just give me something physical, something tangible in the body and blood.” At this church trays are passed with the bread and “wine” and as I reached to pull the small cup from the tray I found it stuck. This is the second time recently that this has happened. I felt frustrated and thwarted in my search for that tangible connection, but just as the woman with the tray started to whisper “Try another one,” I gave the cup a slight twist and it broke free. As I pulled it toward me Elizabeth whispered, “You always seem to find the stuck ones.”
I laughed. It made sense. I don’t have to break down an oppressive world. I just need to make sure I make enough cracks to keep people from getting stuck in that oppression and hopelessness. I tried not to laugh as the bread dissolved on my tongue. When I want a tangible reminder of God, I only have to make room for that of Her in the people around me. If God is the light, I just need to keep living in the cracks, and inviting others into them. That is disregard for authoritarianism. That is faith in Christ. That is hospitality.
Exponential Relationships
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Harlotry, Random Ramblings, Relationships
I’m pretty sure that everyone reading this knows that I have two important, ongoing relationships, the one with my partner Elizabeth and the one with my girlfriend, Red August. The dynamic between the three of us has been really fantastic pretty much from the beginning, and I’m so happy that I’ve got these amazing people in my life, and that they get along so wonderfully. Recent experiences (some of which led to my last post on introversion) made me aware of just how amazing it is that we manage each other the way that we do.
Recently my girlfriend and one of her dear friends came and spent the weekend with us. I happen to have a bit (okay, a lot) of a crush on this friend, and it turns out it’s not exactly a unrequited crush. So I spent the weekend with two girls I love and one I really quite adore (even moreso now). The rapid crush escalation was a form of NRE, and I hear it was just dripping off me throughout that weekend. But with all four of us in the house I became aware of just how many relationships were going on. We all have varying levels of friendship, romantic involvement and sexual involvement and interest in one another, which threw the varying relationships into stark view. So for the moment lets label each of us with a number, and list the various relationship configurations.
We’ve got:
1+2
1+3
1+4
2+3
2+4
3+4
1+2+3
1+2+4
1+3+4
2+3+4
1+2+3+4
So four people create 11 separate relationships to be managed among the four of us. Fascinating!
So that means that on a day to day basis in the house we’ve got 1 relationship going. When Red August comes to visit we’ve got 4. When all four of us were here we had 11 different relationships, all with different histories and different levels of involvement. And we all made it through the weekend without any serious damage! We were exhausted, yes. But we were happy too, I think.
I’m admittedly nervous about being able to handle that many relationships, but I’m proud of what we did, and I’m excited about what we may do in the future. We’re learning what we need to deal with that much at once. It might be a rough road every once in a while, but I’m pretty sure it’s worth it.
Anniversary
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under News, Random Ramblings, Where in the World are Gabe and Elizabeth?
One year of Pornocracy. One year of living together.
One year of making a home ours. One year of learning each other in new ways.
One year of a sex life under the same roof. Things are new… and familiar. Intense and relaxed. Adventurous and real and fantastic and nurturing and cozy.
You may notice some changes around here soon. We have a big redesign planned, and some new content in the works for Pornocracy 2.0. We will revamp our links list. We’re opening the door to tell you about good friends of ours with unique gifts. We’ll be looking for ways to communicate the deep changes we find in ourselves these days.
We are also ending our reviewing relationship with Babeland. They are a fantastic store. But we feel a bit of a disconnect with reviewing toys on our site. We’ll talk more about this, and about where we see Pornocracy’s values and goals heading from here.
One year. One year of blessings and sex and joy and spirit. Thank you for spending some of your year with us.
Love,
Gabe and Elizabeth
On Being a Relationship Geek
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Random Ramblings, Relationships
I’m involved in a conversation thread elsewhere where several individuals are exploring issues of specific sexual activities and levels of intimacy felt or expected in each activity — what it means to each of us to penetrate someone or be penetrated, to be touched various places, or to help someone to orgasm. I LOVE this exploration. Seriously, it is my life blood. I love the fact that I’m now in a relationship where it’s expected and encouraged and understood to be part of the maintenance and working knowledge of our relationship.
Those assumptions are there in communities around us because we are a poly shape, but it is not just a function of polyamory that this good and true thing of relationship/intimacy/bonding analysis runs deep. It’s assumed within our relationship because we are relationship geeks. We thrive on this shit.
I’ve always been a relationship geek. I’ve annoyed other partners who couldn’t figure out why on earth I would spend this much time analyzing sex, and I’ve found other kindred spirits that totally get that deconstructing and reconstructing the concept of intimacy is a great idea for a fun friday night. I’m willing to admit that I’m driven to do more than the minimum amount of this work. I’m willing to admit that it’s a full-fledged hobby, more ingrained than exercise or calorie-counting. I’m willing to state that it makes me a prime candidate for a successful poly relationship, even being mono. I’ve also seen many a monogamous relationships crippled and broken – whether they actually broke up or not – from a lack of this exploration. I’m not willing to make it only the purvue of poly pods. I may push it like a drug primarily because I enjoy doing it immensely, but I also demand it of myself and expect it of others because I know the sacredness of the knolwedge it brings. We all deserve to know that much about ourselves and our loved ones. We all deserve to know our needs so they can be met. We all deserve to be deeply known and seen and loved for who we truly are.
I’m Monoromantic, But Still a Slut :-)
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Adventures IRL, Harlotry, Random Ramblings, Where in the World are Gabe and Elizabeth?
I feel as though Gabe and I have entered into another stage of things for us. First, there was a calf-ripping uphill climb of work to do, as we started and built our framework from scratch. Then, there was a long pleasant plateau. Gabe continued dating a sweetheart, and he and I bonded more and got settled in and decided what to do with our furniture.
Now is chapter 3… discovering where our desires and boundaries are around sexual activity with others, together. It involves more work again, and more proximity to old triggers… but it’s much more laid back, less panic-ridden than the previous work. It’s also interwoven with a lot more fun, more of a sense of security, and we stand on a previously built foundation of shared understanding and trust.
We’re exploring a variety of situations… from relational to anonymous, from voyeurism to hands-on threesomes. We have lots of conversations about trying on and guessing and wondering and hypothetical situations; though one can never fully know until a situation arises, these exploratory conversations are important.
I enjoy the idea of sharing specific details here, but one of the things stopping me is that I find it much more difficult to translate these experiences into words. There’s so many new levels of input coming in! I’m progressing on using all my new senses, though, and I know Gabe has some things he’s writing. We’ll probably manage something posted on it soon. I know you’ll be hearing more about the Jasmine Club in NOLA. We visited Friday night, and had a truly fabulous time.
It Always Hurts To Call Out A Hero
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Go Read This!, Random Ramblings, Sex Education
Betty Dodson has gotten a lot of respect in these quarters. That’s why reading this from her this morning has me rather upset and disappointed. (Emphases mine)
What do American men have in common with Middle Eastern and Tribal African men? All three societies routinely perform circumcision on boys while the rest of the world does not. In the United States, we circumcise babies within the first few days or week. Muslims do it to young boys who are between 12 and 15 while African boys are between 6 to 10 years of age. In all three instances circumcision is performed without anesthesia! Perhaps Muslims circumcise boys late to insure they will become angry young men willing to sacrifice their life for Allah. In Africa it’s a rite of passage into manhood, a warrior who now can kill animals and other men. The fact that the AMA does not support circumcision citing there is no health benefit, I suspect it’s the same for Americans: circumcision prepares our young men to go to war. After all, War Inc. has been America’s number one industry ever since 1914 following WWI.
Later in the same article she writes:
It’s no wonder men hate women consciously or subconsciously. Look at what mothers have allowed a doctor to do to them. First Baby feels pleasure with soft touches that get him partially erect. It feels good until the Doc applies a cold hard metal clamp. The searing pain that follows lasts twenty minutes or more like a sustained torture. May I suggest we consider the similarities between American men and their Islamic brothers or a primitive African tribe?
I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m bitter over having part of my dick cut off. That is a decidedly not cool thing to do to a kid (or anyone against their will). It is barbaric and it should be stopped. This is not the way to stop it. Dr. Dodson here equates “Middle Eastern” and “Muslim,” then goes on to paint all Muslim men as Islamist suicide bombers. She refers to Africans as “primitive.” Both of these are then compared and contrasted to Americans. “We don’t want to be like those people” she seems to be suggesting.
Dr. Dodson has certainly done some amazing things. This kind of sloppiness, xenophobia, classism and racism is not among them.
Sexy underthings for boy-type bodies
Posted by Gabe | Filed under Random Ramblings
So Elizabeth assures me there’s such a thing as sexy underwear for guys. I’m open, but skeptical. So I go looking at sites that sell such things, and what I find are gym queen models and stuffed shorts. How the FUCK am I supposed to be able to gauge how things will look on my somewhat pudgy, unstuffed body when that’s all I’ve got to go on? It just further convinces me that I can’t possibly look good in any kind of underwear, so I quit.
So what do you think? What looks good on a boy? I can pretty much understand boxer briefs. They look fairly nice, and not ridiculous, and they show off my thighs, which are pretty nice. Oh, yeah, and they’re what I generally wear anyway because OMG comfy. And I can kinda understand boxers too. Anything else, though, just looks like gym/club queen wear, or something out of a bad 80s porn.
