11 Out of 30 Days

So, we were participating in 30 Days of Kink, and we got as far as this question:

Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Our participation then came to a screeching halt for a while!

We searched a lot for a way to address this question in a single post. Our kink ethics are integrated into our sexual ethics, and exploring sexual ethics is kind of our mission statement as a household. It’s perhaps the issue closest to our hearts.

On one hand, there’s several central tenets of our beliefs that we are passionate and eager to talk about. We continuously explore what it means to be truly body-positive and sex-positive, as we believe they are critical to right relationship. Active, passionate consent is also critical to us, though we both find it problematic to make consent the end-all, be-all of healthy kink or of sexual ethics. Understanding gender, sexual orientation, relational orientation and personal identity as rich, complex, growing entities is at the core of what we do as well.

We are always aware of the effects that a classist, racist, sexist, heterosexist, ableist culture has on our lives. While we make a practice of creating nurturing, life-giving space outside and apart from that poisonous culture, we also realize that our sacred sexualities have been created within that culture. We value the unique ways humans find to unpack these ill effects within ourselves in compassionate, risk-aware ways. And these strategies intrigue us.

And, of course, being analytical and frequently loquacious, we seek out and enjoy most any opportunity to talk about those things.

On the other hand, this is all just way too big for one post among 30. Much of it is too big and embodied for words. This entire website is our answer to the question of kinky and sexual ethics. We are both Christians, as is the third member of our family, and Gabe and I have committed our lives to exploring Christ’s love and God’s will in our sex lives. We spend a lot of time living this issue in a variety of ways (in fact, I’ve just committed to a multi-month reading and creative project on this very issue, that will be documented here). Pornocracy is here to indulge our exhibitionist streaks, and to feed others’ voyeurism, yes. That folds into the education, witnessing, sharing and storytelling that we place at the heart of our overall ethic. We are of the belief that the great gift of healthy community is that we all hear each other into being every day. We hope to give and receive glimpses of such a gift here.

So, for Day 11 of 30 Days of Kink, this whole website is our answer. We plan to be answering for the rest of our lives.

Tomorrow (or on a similar day!), we will address Day 12, humor in kink.

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Coming Soon: Halloween!

Okay, I PROMISE we will continue with our 30 Days of Kink! In fact, we have over half of them written already!

Here’s the sticking point for us: Day 11 asks us to articulate our ethics of kink. *blink blink* How much time have you got? And have you seen how much we love pontificating about ethics, sexuality, values, theology, spirituality, relationality and personal decision-making? Essentially, I’m very busy over here trying not to write you a complete dissertation for the next Day of Kink. And it’s hard! Sooo hard!!! 🙁 [Note from Gabe: That’s what she said!]

So, I’m here to tell you that patience will be rewarded. We’ll have our next answers here soon. I’m also here to tell you that we’ll be offline for the weekend, as Sunday is Gabe’s birthday. That’s right! Zillions of people will celebrate his birthday by dressing up in great costumes and pursuing debauchery of the candy, booze and sexins variety. Join in! Take pictures! Share them with us! 🙂

Have a great Halloween on Gabe’s behalf, and know that a lot of work is going into the upcoming posts you’ll find here soon.

Day 10 of Kink: Hard Limits

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

Elizabeth: Many of my hard limits are emotional in nature. I don’t do things that feel damaging to me (or that I feel will damage others). I may get put in my place, in a sexy way, but I don’t do humiliation or degradation. I don’t receive punishment from anyone for actions I’ve chosen to take; those choices are mine to make and no one’s to judge. I’m not going to humiliate or degrade someone else, or do anything that feels to me that it is damaging to their personhood.

For activity-based hard limits, I don’t expect to ever be interested in scat, vomit or animals. I have a work history in the medical field, and my disinterest in medical scenes almost borders on a hard limit. I really don’t like drawing blood, mine or others, and don’t expect that to change anytime soon (though menstrual blood’s not a limit). I don’t like needles, or sounds. I dislike cock-and-ball torture. I have asthma, and find actual breath constraint to be a big turn-off (though I like the psychological impact of a hand gently around my throat).

Gabe: I don’t do scat or vomit. I refuse the type of submission that would have me making all of someone’s decisions for them. Anything glorifying or fetishizing the military or police is an instant boner-killer. I don’t do dubious consent. Anything else I can think of is at least open for negotiation. I don’t receive pain or domination, but that’s more a preference than a limit. I’m not opposed to it. It just doesn’t do anything for me.

Day 9 of Kink: Music

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Elizabeth: I couldn’t find a video, so here are the lyrics to “Beat Me” as sung by the Bedlam Bards.






Gabe: Second Skin – “Sweet Nothing”





Day 8 of Kink: Erotic Images

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Elizabeth: I Stumbled Upon this and don’t have crediting information. I find finger penetration of all kinds to be deliciously erotic, and the blindfold, of course, is… mmmmmmmm! I also very much enjoy the androgyny of the person with the blindfold.





Gabe: I’ve had this “Human Harp” photo saved for several years. (Link removed at request of the artist.) I likely snagged it uncredited from an imageboard. A little googling tells me that it’s by Jim Duvall.

This picture says something about how I approach BDSM. The way I interact with the other person feels very much like playing an instrument. I do my best to elicit the responses I desire. I lovingly and precisely work them over, working with their natures, to create a set of sensations and responses. Topping someone, to me, feels an awful lot like being the player of this human harp.

Day 7 of Kink: Favorite Toys

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Elizabeth: One of the things I learned as we started our porn blog is that I don’t have a high level of hunger for sex toys, lol. Sure, I had my trusty Adam dildo from Good Vibes, who was a steady companion in my single days. And Gabe and I fell in love with Flexi Felix anal beads from Fun Factory the first time we used them. I like pegging, so I like my strap-ons and harnesses, though they’re not perfect. As a bottom, I have varying emotional relationships to Gabe’s implements of destruction. And now that I top, I am collecting items that give intriguing sensations. But toys have generally been a means to an end for me. Whatever’s handy is what we use. I’m probably more emotionally connected to the lube we use (recently ID’s silicone lube has been our standby, with Astroglide pinch-hitting when there’s a silicone toy involved).

Gabe: If you felt how damned heavy my toy bag is, you’d know how tough I find it to pick a favorite. My shorter, thicker nylon rope flogger is a favorite, as is my crop. I have such an affinity for my homemade toys (like the aforementioned flogger), whether they’re as simple as rice filling a tube sock or as fabulous as my discostick (a black, glittery mini baseball bat). For what I like to be on the receiving end of, I adore Fun Factory’s FlexiFelix and this one soft, fuzzy scarf of Elizabeth’s. I also like my Fleshlight quite a bit, even if I don’t use it often. Oh! And Eliz has this delightful, small, pink Tantus cock that feels fantastic in my ass.

Day 6 of Kink: Fantasies!

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting a sexual fantasy. [We don’t really pay attention to what’s “normal”, so labelling something “weird” is odd to us. We also find all of our fantasies interesting, or they wouldn’t be our fantasies! So we edited this question a bit.]

Gabe: This is kind of a tough assignment. I used to have all kinds of fantasies, things I’d store in my mind and return to over and over. These days, fantasies are more often just… plans! I used to fantasize about having a d/s relationship, and now I have a de facto one with Elizabeth and I’m building a more structured one with Kristi. I used to fantasize about group sex, and now I have lots of group sex. I hear fantasies from those I’m involved with and we start working out the details to make them come to life. True, some of them are best left unfulfilled (generally for safety and health concerns), but even then they often end up leading into some permutation that we can act on.

So really, my fantasy? It’s my life.

Elizabeth: One of my most common fantasies involves having a lot of cocks to play with all at once. Sometimes it’s a playful fantasy, and sometimes it’s consensual nonconsent. Sometimes it’s a fantasy of my adult self, and sometimes it’s an ageplay fantasy. I know I find the idea hot, and I have to believe that at least in some situations, the real-life sensations would be amazing too. Gabe and I are beginning to ponder how to explore that.

Here I mention a fantasy that I do intend to act on at some point, but it’s also important to me to let some of my fantasies remain just that. They’re just as valuable as stories in my head, or stories I tell a lover. For all kinds of different reasons, some very hot ideas don’t have to be acted on.

Day 5 of Kink: First Experiences

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Gabe: There were a few early on that consisted of me really wanting to try something and my then partner doing it, but making it clear she didn’t enjoy it. The first full, reciprocated experience was with Elizabeth, the weekend I asked her to be my girlfriend. I punished her for wearing clothes, knowing she was too beautiful to be hiding herself from people like that. I bound her, beat her, made her cry and made her mine. I sent her out into the hallway of the hotel naked and cowering. I loved her. She loved me. It was the first time I’d been so deeply loved as a full person, sadistic fuck side and all. She had me then. And I had her.

Elizabeth: My first experiences were with a fuck buddy in my late 20’s. He tied me up, tickled and fucked me. It was a quite enjoyable set of sensations, and whetted my appetite for more. My first weekend with Gabe, though, took things to a whole other level. The range that we can engage each other on, from emotional to spiritual to physical, overwhelms me.

Day 4 of Kink: Early Hints

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?

Elizabeth: I had crushes on older men occasionally. Some of the kidnap fantasies that permeate mainstream romance stories appealed to me on some levels (I recently rewatched a terrible Brooke Shields movie that grabbed my attention as a tweener; when she’s kidnapped by Arab nomads to be a sex slave, it made me feel all funny inside!). But I didn’t discover the rest of my curiosity until I was an adult.

Gabe: Nope. Like I said, I came to all of this late.

Day 3 of Kink: Discovery

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

Gabe: By my mid-20’s I had never even considered doing anything terribly kinky. I had some friends online, though, who were into kink. I started developing an appreciation for certain fetish aesthetics, but it didn’t do anything for me… until one day it did. Suddenly d/s was on my radar, with sadism sort of following after. I can’t say what flipped the switch exactly. Sadly, it would be years before I got any real experience with it. For some time I was stuck with only erotica and vicarious experiences through friends. That was enough to have my appetite thoroughly whetted by the time Elizabeth and I started dating.


Elizabeth: I had friends that were into kink since my early 20’s, and some things they mentioned began seeping into my list of things I was curious about. Bondage and sensation play both seemed interesting, but I didn’t find a way into it for a long time. I found a fuck buddy in my late 20’s that, it turns out, had a tickle fetish: he liked tying girls up and tickling them. We played some and I branched off from there. I stayed in the lighter stuff until I met Gabe.

LOL, I’m quite amused to realize that the internet had almost nothing to do with my discovery process. I may be alone in that among my close friends.