Day 2 – List Your Kinks!

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 2: List your kinks.

Elizabeth: My kink list changes a lot across time! At this second, the kinks that are closest to the core of what I do are power exchange, ageplay, bondage, anal sex, genderqueering, sacred sexuality and voyeurism and exhibitionism. Also pretty common for us are wax play, tickling, sensation play, body writing, clothespins, and impact play.

I had to think a while about which list to put impact play on. I’d say that reaching altered states of consciousness is central to what we do, and we’ll frequently use pain via impact play to do that.


Gabe: Oh dear. Go to FetLife for the long list.. The big ones for me right now (which also serve as overarching themes for most of my other kinks) are ageplay, power exchange, exhibitionism, voyeurism, sadism, bondage and group sex.

30 Days of Kink… Go!

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Gabe: I mostly identify as a top and sadist, but I also have strong currents of dominant and daddy running through me. Each of those is an approach to leading and creating with a collaborative follower.

Top and sadist are pretty firmly linked, and for me they refer to leading in a specific time and place, using primarily physical stimuli up to and including pain. How I do so is affected by how the bottom responds. It may range from teasing to a full-on beating to fucking, but as a top/sadist I’m delivering sensations to someone who is receiving and responding.

As a dominant I lead by deciding what I want, and getting it from the person who is submitting. While there is still often plenty of sadism and masochism involved, the primary focus isn’t on the sensations, but on control. Orders are to be followed. My desires are paramount. I am the center of the submissive person’s world for that period of time.

As a daddy, the focus is still on control, but on a guiding, nurturing kind of control. My little girls are mine to take care of and to mold. I can delight in them and I can punish them, but what’s best for them is a primary focus. My leading can be much more gentle, while still being stern, but it can also be silly and playful and giggly.

And none of these are really separate entities or roles. They mix in many different ways, and how they mix depends a lot of the chemistry I have with the person or people on the other side. I know that my dominance can be playful, and can be very daddylike. My topping can be silly. My daddying can be very serious. And even after having read this, I’d think there are plenty of times people would be able to watch me play and not know which (if any) of these were the primary persona.

Even though all of that was about being in the “top” positions, I also bottom to Elizabeth when she’s in sensual top mode from time to time. Lying there and feeling all the things she can do to my body, and giving myself free reign to respond as I see fit. It’s delicious. As I write this I’m anticipating a scene we have planned for tomorrow evening. I don’t know what she has in store for me, but we recently built up a toy bag for her, so I look forward to seeing feeling what she’ll be pulling out for me.

And lastly, since I really do feel this is a part of my kink identity, I’m also a body-loving slut. I love the ways of getting to know someone through touch. Kissing, caressing, groping, fucking, luxuriating in one another. That erotic force drives my entire life, and underlies all of the kink roles I’ve described here.

Elizabeth: I’m a follower, a babygirl, a sensual top, a mono slut and a body theologian. Let me explain these one by one.

I’m realizing that there are many, many kinds of gifts of submission. There’s not just one method for having one’s power and giving it over to (or having it consensually taken by) someone else; there are as many different ways to do that as there are subs. For me, ‘follower’ is a more specific name for what I do with Gabe’s dominant side. I have always had a strong gift for following. I was very sensitive and suggestible as a kid. I can pick up on other people’s emotions and energies without any effort at all… but it’s more than just sensing. I become those emotions, if I let myself. Someone else’s story exists in me. I still often pick up people’s mannerisms or accent without noticing, if I’ve spent any length of time with them. I consider all these characteristics (and many others) to be the result of my body doing something it naturally does and is quite good at. I have a knack for molding or matching myself to other people. It’s kind of a cellular-level empathy. I consider it a gift of untold depth that I’m grateful for. It’s central to who I am. There’s not less of me in this process, I don’t lose myself. I do enter into a kind of stream of someone else’s energy, though. I ride Gabe’s energy, in a way. When I sub to Gabe, I follow. Gabe has an idea of where he wants to go, and I follow. My mood and desires shape to match his. He gives me commands or lays out tasks, and I follow. He sets a rhythm, and I follow. My body naturally shapes itself, on some pretty fundamental levels, to the story he tells. Sub space is me not being required to do the work it takes to not follow (which is still an effort). So I’m light, unencumbered, and feel free to do what is my most immediate nature. It feels expansive, like flying or swimming, and like all the metaphors for ecstasy you can think of. It reminds me a lot of where I go when I meditate or pray. This is one of many ways that my kink and my spirituality are connected.

While getting to our ageplay was one of the more complicated things I think we did, it’s now probably the easiest to explain. I have two little personas, and Gabe is daddy to them both. He nurtures and takes care of them, and occasionally fucks us, and enjoys us all. And it makes us all very happy. 🙂

I love creating a sensory experience for someone else. I’m learning how to top Gabe, how to give his body pleasurable sensations in which to luxuriate. There’s little to no d/s in this space for me; I take a lot of cues from him and what he finds pleasurable. Being in this space involves healing from damaging past uses of my top-space in career contexts, so it’s slow going. But we’re both enjoying it.

Gabe is my only partner, and I don’t look for other romances. In that way, I’m monoromantic. I am finding my own way into sluttery, into enjoying my sexuality to its fullest, which looks different from Gabe’s sluttery. Sex has often been involved in my relationships with my metamours (Gabe’s other lovers). Finding just the right balance of delighting in dear friends’ bodies, connecting sexually with Gabe and having my sexuality to myself is a very enjoyable dance to practice.

It is important to me to be aware of and value a multitude of ways of knowing things. My thoughts are not the only kind of information I retain. My body is my self — it is all as conscious and interactive as that which this culture typically calls my mind. All of this experience, through every inch of me, is vital to how I take in the world and I how I understand God. That’s what I mean by body theologian. This way of knowing queers a great deal of mainstream wisdom, and is another connection between my kink and my spirituality.

30 Days of Kink

Over at Purveyor of Pleasure Scarlet Lotus is working her way through the 30 Days of Kink writing prompts. That seemed like such a damn fine idea, that now we’ve decided to follow suit. This normally quiet blog is about to get a LOT more updates as we respond to these 30 questions in 30 days. We hope you’ll enjoy reading our answers, and that you’ll write about your own life in kink (if you have one) either on your own blog, or in the comments here!

So what will we be writing about? This:

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.
Day 2: List your kinks.
Day 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
Day 4: Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?
Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.
Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.
Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?
Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.
Day 10: What are your hard limits?
Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?
Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.
Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?
Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?
Day 15: Post a BDSM/kink activity you’re curious about and would like to try.
Day 16: What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?
Day 17: What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?
Day 18: Any kinky/BDSM pet peeves? If so, what are they?
Day 19: Any unexpected ways kink has improved your life? If so, what are they?
Day 20: Talk about something within kink/bdsm that you’re curious about/don’t understand.
Day 21: Favorite BDSM related book (fiction or non-fiction)
Day 22: What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?
Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?
Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?
Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?
Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?
Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?
Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?
Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?
Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Or thereabouts. We’ll likely use some as a starting point to talk about related topics instead. We’re both really looking forward to this exercise. As we answer questions in upcoming posts, we’ll come back and add links to our answers here.