State of the Union
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Go Read This!, Random Ramblings
Eventually, this will be crossposted to bestsexbloggers.com, when I figure out all the intricacies of posting there. It will be our first post, so part of my motivation was a little summary of our relationship and a taste of the style of our blog. Another part of my motivation was the joy I felt this morning, which was all about our history and what we’ve weathered and how much we kick ass.
Also crossposted to my livejournal.
Gabe and I cuddled in bed this morning, reconnecting after his date last night. I do rather well during his dates – even the overnight ones – but once I’ve been awake a few hours the next morning, and haven’t yet hugged him, I start to get nervous.
I’m so very proud of us. We’ve worked so damn hard to reach this place where many things are “effortless.” We began our mono/poly love affair – long distance – last November.
As a close friend, I watched Gabe come to terms with his poly nature over the last few years – not easy in a marriage that had no room for it. I began those observations from a place of intense skepticism. I had witnessed a horrible polyamorous situation up close a decade ago, with little to commend in the situation (or participants) as healthy. Then, a few years back, I was exposed to it again, and was told in no uncertain terms that polyamory was the only enlightened way to be. I carried some pain from both experiences, and I was worried as my dearly loved friend struggled and finally named this part of himself.
As news of his self-understanding began to sink in, though, I began to hold it in my heart next to everything else I knew about him. And it made perfect sense. He loves in more than one direction, naturally. I’ve seen it in him over and over again. There is something multidirectional about how he works, something “both/and” about him (being bisexual myself, I can relate to the ‘both/and’ element as a parallel between us). I joke that his heart is a piece of baklava, with multiple layers going on in any given bite.
I have come away from much self-reflection knowing that I am mono in my romantic nature. It’s how I work. My personal relationship energy flows best in one single direction. My heart is one rushing channel, an aquaduct. I tried to change it – in earlier, less self-assured times – and it led only to pain. I now have no interest in denying a gift I’ve been given, any more than I’d want Gabe to deny the gift he’s been given. Desire is a precious thing, to be treated with honor.
So we began dating while he healed from his marriage. I read up on poly situations where one partner is support during a breakup with another. At first, I ran into monophobia everywhere in poly writing, and I felt unsupported and alone in our circumstance. We did the long distance thing for six months, which was hell. But we built amazing communication skills (not to mention phone sex skills), and articulated the foundation that we have now. Our friendship – which was built on similar spiritual desires – is growing into a lifelong fling with amazing sexual and emotional explorations. We live together now. And there’s pockets of understanding about mono/poly relationships opening up in the larger culture. One of my reasons for blogging is to add to that understanding.
I realized early on that regardless of how my heart works, I don’t need exclusivity as proof of his love. I know our bond, and how unique it is. I know my relationship needs, and I ask directly to get them met. And now that some giant early fear monsters have been vanquished, I enjoy seeing him connect with other people in unique ways. I’m so unbelievably blessed to watch him and his relationships unfold.
He’s met a really neat girl, and I approve. Sometimes we all hang out, and sometimes they get alone time. And this week, we learned that even when we’ve both had a really shit week, ‘us’ is nurtured by them time and by me time. Especially when sushi is involved in the me time.
One Response to “State of the Union”
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The Best Sex Bloggers » State of the Union Says:
August 9th, 2008 at 2:54 pm[...] Originally posted at pornocracy.org. [...]
