The Getting Started Guide for Girls

I was recently offering some advice to a young woman who has never had an orgasm. My first question for her was “Do you masturbate?” She said she did not, and said she should probably invest in a vibrator. This was my response:

A vibrator is good, but I’d suggest you hold off on that purchase for now. Try to get to know how you respond to your own hands first. The feel of flesh on flesh is a good thing. Elizabeth says that it’s important to have some non-goal-oriented masturbation sessions. Don’t set out trying to make yourself come. Just set aside a period of time to explore the way different things feel, what you like and what you don’t. Use different kinds of touch in different places. Get to know yourself.

Later on you can invest in a vibrator, and not only will all the non-vibrator masturbation have helped you learn what feels good to you, it can actually help serve as a guide to what kind of toys you will want.

I know it sounds like a horrible thing to say, but be patient, and keep at it. There can be so many impediments to female orgasm, mental, social and even physical. But getting a deeper working knowledge of yourself will go a long way toward getting you to where you want to be.

This seems to be a pretty common question, and I know there are a few clit-bearers who read this blog. What would you suggest to a young woman who has never had an orgasm? What would you suggest to her for getting started with masturbation? I can talk all day, but ultimately I have a penis.

4 Responses to “The Getting Started Guide for Girls”

  1. Fairymonkey Says:
    December 22nd, 2008 at 4:03 pm

    Hmm…(I’m on vacation – I can write now!) a dilema. If she has never had an orgasm, a good vibrator may not be a bad idea. She may be confused as to what sensations her hands are searching for and exactly where to touch or for how long. And some women just don’t turn themselves on with their own touch as they can with another’s hands or an electronic buddy. Its hard for me to say since I started at age 11, but putting myself in her shoes, I think a non-hand experience may be helpful. Especially a vibrator is somewhat versatile. For example, the ever-popular Jack Rabbit. She could use the vibrating part to figure out the reigning areas of her clit and how they respond to different vibrations and touch. Then use the dildo part to figure out (through the various rotations and length) where her G-spot may be located. She could then try to use her hands to recreate those sensations and touch those spots in the right way. Eventually, she could pass this on to any potential lovers.
    Just my ideas!

  2. Wendy Blackheart Says:
    December 22nd, 2008 at 11:42 pm

    My advice would have been a good vibrator as well – I always had more trouble using my hands on my self to get off than using a vibe.

    Hands on exploration is a good thing. I love playing with myself, seeing how things are, getting in touch with my vag and all that good stuff. I love it, and it is great experience to have. You do need to know you’re anatomy.

    However, vibrators are orgasm machines. They really really help the orgasmless. When my cousin told me she never had an orgasm, I ran out and bought her a pocket rocket. It helped her learn what it was she wanted and needed (and what an orgasm *was*). She has thanked me profusely many times, so I think the vibrator was a great way to go.

  3. Heather Says:
    December 23rd, 2008 at 5:17 am

    Personally, I really agree with the idea of exploring first and learning what you like. I started with just my hands and barely bought my first vibrator a few months ago. I think starting without one really let me know what I liked, what I thought might feel better with a little vibrating help(haha) and what I didn’t like.
    It really is about time and practice. It may not happen the first time you try something. Sometimes, it also depends on the mood. For example, I may be in the mood to use the vibrator, but other times I’m totally not and it won’t do anything for me.

  4. Callaigh Says:
    December 26th, 2008 at 6:30 am

    My suggestion? Throw everything anyone else has ever said to you about the properties of your body right out the window and start over with just your hands and maybe a narrow-but-longish phallic instrument. There is way too much controversy over whether women can or can’t have orgasms vaginally or whether the G-spot really exists (to say nothing of the “F-spot” in the anterior fornix, which most people have never even heard of, much less tried to stimulate.) You have to get to know your own body — you can find out what the name of that OHMYGOD spot is later — but if you’re fixated on wringing an orgasm out of your clit or trying to poke at your G-spot when maybe that’s not what does it for you, or even just not under those particular circumstances, then it’s easy to get frustrated when your body “doesn’t work” according to the manual.

    And don’t just restrict your hands to the area between your legs, either! There are a lot of surprisingly shiver-inducing spots on the rest of the body – the sides of the breasts, back of the neck… For some people the fronts of their hips and the edge of the ribcage are sensitive, or the insides of the elbows and backs of the knees. Lips, too. 🙂

    I wouldn’t suggest using a vibrator right from the beginning. Different people react differently to them — I can’t stand them, personally, because they just make me go numb. I would suggest having a slim dildo-like object on hand for exploration purposes, though, as there are some lovely nerve endings where fingers just won’t reach. A lubricant might be good to have on the bedside table, too, but don’t resort to it right at the beginning. Give your body time to produce its own fluids and let yourself get used to how those change with varying degrees of arousal.

    And try different things at different times. Our bodies need different kinds of stimulation at different stages of arousal – that light, slow, teasing touch on your clit that was making you gasp in an earlier stage might not carry you through to orgasm, even though it still feels really good. Maybe once you get past that stage what you need is solid pressure, or fast rubbing, or even suction. Or maybe your clit just isn’t that sensitive, and you do better with penetration; or maybe one, then the other; or one, then both. Penetration doesn’t have to involve in-and-out movement, either; it can be circular, or steady pressure, or rotating, or anything, really. For example, one of the most effective techniques I’ve found for myself is two fingers, split into a wide V, each pressing up to either side of my G-spot rather than pressing into it — something I don’t think I’ve ever seen anywhere as part of a list of “techniques for stimulating the G-spot.”

    Basically, women’s bodies are complex, and furthermore, they’re all different. So be patient with yourself, go in with an open mind, and pay attention to your body in the moment rather than focusing on orgasm as a goal.

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