Poly Talk
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Relationships
Gabe has begun a poly interest group in town – currently the only one of its kind here. We’ve had several successful social events, the last being a discussion group in a private home. Several poly folks in the group wanted to get input from others on common challenges, and we had seekers come who were very new to poly asking questions to now more about it. There were a few moments that stuck out for me.
One was varying understandings of labels for various relationships. Gabe calls me his partner; I live with him and we have made a commitment to one another. If we used hierarchical language, I would be his “primary,” but we don’t like names like that. Gabe’s love that lives an hour away and that gets time with him a few times a month he calls his girlfriend. But when someone in the group heard him call me his partner and someone else his girlfriend, they assumed from the names that his relationship with her served like a primary, and that mine as a ‘partner’ was much more distant than it is. This was fascinating to me. Gabe realized that one difference is our influence from queer culture, where ‘partner’ bears some equivalencies to ‘spouse’. There is the other common use of partner, though, that is primarily based on a single event or series of events – a given person is a sexual partner due to certain activities pursued together. It was a reminder of how complex all the language is.
Another moment that caught my attention came after it was mentioned that I identify as mono. I was asked what it’s like, to be in a poly relationship “when I want a monogamous relationship.” This expectation that being mono must include wanting a monogamous partner is pretty interesting to me. I’ve written several times exploring my identity and why I use the label ‘mono’, but the question that crosses my mind is, is the reverse true? How often is it assumed that a poly person must want poly partners, either by the person hirself or by others? If you’re poly, have you ever considered dating someone who is mono? If you did, what would you look for to help ensure a healthy situation for yourself? If we’re giving each other freedom in our other relationships, wouldn’t that include the freedom to not have them?
I suppose the person who made the assumption of me might also be influenced by how very many mono/poly relationships are saturated with angst and grief. I facilitate a group on the subject, and have pursued conversations in other groups about the topic. While I look for and yearn for a place to honor the sacredness of this bond, and to explore and expand the joy, most of what I find related to mono-poly connections are folks feeling stuck in relationships where the rules changed, where neither party feels safe and movement seems impossible. Or, in bdsm settings, there are a lot of subs and slaves feeling forced into open relationship situations who don’t want to be, and don’t know how to empower themselves to ask for something different, or leave. While I certainly don’t begrudge these people getting any and all support to grow and heal and move forward, I am also in a fundamentally different situation. And I have not yet found language to distinguish myself from them in trying to seek out the community I want.
But then, my community has definitely been growing lately. And it seems connections based on demographic or ideological similarities have taken a back seat to connections based on common values, regardless of how they are lived – body-positivity, hospitality, boldness and compassion.
One Response to “Poly Talk”
-
Polyamorwolf Says:
November 9th, 2009 at 4:57 amWow. Great blog! This post gave me a couple of things to think about. I started out monogamous, and married a monogamous woman, and then one day something clicked in my heart and I fell in love with another woman. Change was a long and painful process, but I wound up a poly man with a mono mate. And I picked up another mono mate who at least came into the relationship knowing I am poly. I’ve since picked up a 3rd mate who is poly. Now (after about 18 months) I’m having issues with the first two, who (you nailed it on the head) feel stuck in a relationship where the rules have changed (but there is no BDSM component involved here).
