Drop and Such
Posted by blessed_harlot | Filed under Relationships
Somehow, we got ourselves quite a week last week. Monday night was a party friends of ours threw at a bar they own. Tuesday night was a discussion night with the major local kink group. Wednesday and Thursday Gabe’s girlfriend Red August (who lives an hour away and has been crazy busy this semester with school and work) got to stay with us. Friday was a kinky house party and Saturday was a party at the local dungeon. And yes, we participated in all of that.
As far afield as that kind of schedule is for us, it was surprisingly nourishing for me as it was unfolding. Yes, there was that slightly off-kilter feeling growing from not having an evening at home (and it all reminded me of what an important need the night at home is). But there were also powerful opportunities to connect with community, and deeply enjoyable chances to spend time with Gabe’s girlfriend and the two new people he’s dating now. So, the week spun by with joy. And, Gabe had an intense public scene with me, and a separate public scene with a new date of his, both at the Saturday party. This last is probably the largest single factor affecting our mood right now. If you don’t know, a couple days after doing a big scene, the participants can have a heavy emotional experience referred to as “drop”.
And we’re both crashing, hard.
My drop started last night, and unfortunately I was not in a space to handle our social obligation very well. It was Global Orgasm Day, and Gabe had organized a get-together, which ended up being at somebody else’s house. There are elements of our uniqueness in the community that played into my thwarted expectations for the evening, but I won’t go into all that now. I had a difficult time plugging into the energy of the evening, and when I eventually needed to leave, the circumstances meant that my desire to leave was a domino that knocked over two other people’s desires for the night. Gah. Messy and unpleasant.
Aside from a great big pile of new insights on a dozen different topics, I think the week is also leading to some insight on my part that I’ll have to learn some new social skills around saying no. I won’t second guess any decisions we made this past week. But I’m aware of two things:
1) There are lots of very pleasant activities that can present themselves as options, especially since Gabe seeks them out, that are not the ideal way for me to balance all my needs. Awesomeness of event is not the only criteria to use in deciding whether to do something in a particular moment. (The flip side is, I’m blessed to have so many wonderful ways available to me to enjoy my life).
2) Time management assumptions have to change now. Before, Gabe’s girlfriend actually took priority, though that wasn’t our explicit goal. Her schedule was so tight, that we both wanted to make the most of any time she had available. I rarely said no to being there, or to supporting Gabe in being there. I also took partial responsibility for planning. That all worked fine under those circumstances. I found balance of schedule, and the high level of participation from me was probably the best way for me to really get to learn poly. Now, he has two local people he dates as well. I have to get used to:
a) being a priority for his time (while this makes perfect sense with our commitments being what they are, it has a hierarchical feel to it that we have previously avoided, and which I have discomfort and a lack of experience with), and
b) me disengaging to some extent from planning and being involved with his time with others. I’m not sure I have adequate language for this use of my energy; it’s not necessarily about spending less time with his lovers (though it may manifest that way). It’s more about taking on less responsibility for his calendar. As much as I like all the people he’s dating, I’m nowhere near capable of dating two people, much less four. It’s not up to me to get their needs met. I have to let him figure out certain things. This feels oddly like putting him in an inappropriate position, even when I look and see the appropriateness of it. But I’ve got to find a way to shift from what I’ve been doing, at least a little. It’s one of the more exhausting elements of this past week that I was pouring so much psychic energy into supporting all of them, when it isn’t quite my place. LOL, maybe it would help if I didn’t like them all so much? Hey y’all! Stop being so damned cute and interesting!
All of my insights and the changes I’m aiming for are fine with him, you understand. The only delay is in me learning it.
