Mono/Poly – Questions To Ask

Are you mono, and considering dating a poly person? Here are some questions to ask yourself:

How often have you sought out therapy in your life?  How much work do you consider to be a typical amount for maintaining a relationship?  Communication and steady work are essential to maintaining any healthy relationship, and bad poly relationships are more noticeable than bad mono relationships.

What demonstrates love and commitment to you?  Physically write it out. Make a list.  Be specific. Regular physical affection?  Words of love?  Acts of service?  (You may want to explore the 5 Love Languages as one tool for unpacking your style and needs). Continue to explore further.  What daily interaction is important?  What kind of participation in your emotional and/or spiritual life do you need?  What kind of sex life do you want?  Finally, how important is sexual exclusivity to you?  Is it necessary, preferable, or not necessary?  If everything else you need is present, including a fulfilling sex life, would your partner’s sex life with another person affect your sense of being loved?

Do you expect a partner to complete you, and fulfill all your needs?  Or do you expect to have a fulfilling life and nourishing relationships outside your bond with your partner?  If you find the former to be true, a structure where your partner has full romances outside your bond is a recipe for disaster, despite any fond feelings you may have.

Do you believe that (somebody else) being polyamorous is possible? Healthy?  Ethical? Mature?  Do you expect a poly partner to stop being poly at any point?

Now, about the person you’re considering a relationship with:

Are they supportive of your mono nature?  Or will they be threatened by being your only partner? 

Can they trust you to honor their poly nature?

Can they trust you to name your needs?

Are they willing to be supportive in your process of getting to know how poly works, and take the time you need?  Are you ready to start that process?

Has your partner’s past behavior or current language emphasized “equality” among partners, like equal feelings between various individuals, or equal number of partners on either side?  Or is there room for more diversity of shape? A mono/poly shape is going to be “lopsided”, not “equal”, and a certain level of comfort with that will be required of all parties for success.

How skilled is this person at providing reassurance when you need it?

How many other partners does this person have? How much time can they commit to your relationship? How much time do you need?

(This post is part of the mono/poly resource list, which can be found through the link at the top of the page.)

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