Sexual Bigotry

Mollena over at “The Perverted Negress” has written a fantastic article on Vanilla Bigotry, that touched a nerve for both Gabe and I. We’ve each heard kinky friends and acquaintances referring to vanilla folks as backwards, uneducated, and otherwise living incomplete lives. Mollena addresses some of this thinking head on. Here’s an excerpt that hits home for me:


When I’m in a room full of kinky people and someone says “I feel so sorry for the poor vanillas. I just don’t get how they could be so lame!” and goes on to expand on how kinky sex is the best way to have intimate relations, that “they” will “never understand” how much “better” our sex is, and I see the majority of people in the room nodding or clucking their tongues sympathetically, I realize something.

We become that which we reject when we paint people who don’t fuck the same way that we do with a broad brush.

Let me say that I totally get the impulse to engage in such in-group/out-group thinking. The temptation to this behavior often comes from a deep well of pain. Even the healthiest folks in marginalized groups have cultural programming to manage that encourages self-hatred and self-ignorance. Directing that into anger toward the mainstream group – be it kinksters bemoaning the misguided vanillas, poly folks proclaiming themselves the new evolution past outdated monogamy, or gays and lesbians insulting “breeders” – is one way to cope with the pain.

But here’s the thing — that behavior doesn’t heal. It doesn’t heal ourselves and it doesn’t heal communities. It doesn’t create anything new. It keeps resentment alive and keeps wounds open. It gets the speaker in touch with anger that is appropriate to feel, yes… but it encourages that anger to turn rancid and bite back, instead of using it to build a more just community. It’s simply not fair to hold a person’s sexuality against them, whether that sexuality is similar to ours or not.

One Response to “Sexual Bigotry”

  1. Mesix Says:
    February 20th, 2010 at 11:23 pm

    Ee! Thank you SO MUCH for the link. Great essay, and a wonderful sentiment.

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