30 Days of Kink… Go!

The questions for “30 Days of Kink” can be found here. Play along at home! We’d love to see your answers here or on your own blog.

Day 1: Dom, sub, switch? What parts of BDSM interest you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition of what that means to you. Basically define your kinky self for us.

Gabe: I mostly identify as a top and sadist, but I also have strong currents of dominant and daddy running through me. Each of those is an approach to leading and creating with a collaborative follower.

Top and sadist are pretty firmly linked, and for me they refer to leading in a specific time and place, using primarily physical stimuli up to and including pain. How I do so is affected by how the bottom responds. It may range from teasing to a full-on beating to fucking, but as a top/sadist I’m delivering sensations to someone who is receiving and responding.

As a dominant I lead by deciding what I want, and getting it from the person who is submitting. While there is still often plenty of sadism and masochism involved, the primary focus isn’t on the sensations, but on control. Orders are to be followed. My desires are paramount. I am the center of the submissive person’s world for that period of time.

As a daddy, the focus is still on control, but on a guiding, nurturing kind of control. My little girls are mine to take care of and to mold. I can delight in them and I can punish them, but what’s best for them is a primary focus. My leading can be much more gentle, while still being stern, but it can also be silly and playful and giggly.

And none of these are really separate entities or roles. They mix in many different ways, and how they mix depends a lot of the chemistry I have with the person or people on the other side. I know that my dominance can be playful, and can be very daddylike. My topping can be silly. My daddying can be very serious. And even after having read this, I’d think there are plenty of times people would be able to watch me play and not know which (if any) of these were the primary persona.

Even though all of that was about being in the “top” positions, I also bottom to Elizabeth when she’s in sensual top mode from time to time. Lying there and feeling all the things she can do to my body, and giving myself free reign to respond as I see fit. It’s delicious. As I write this I’m anticipating a scene we have planned for tomorrow evening. I don’t know what she has in store for me, but we recently built up a toy bag for her, so I look forward to seeing feeling what she’ll be pulling out for me.

And lastly, since I really do feel this is a part of my kink identity, I’m also a body-loving slut. I love the ways of getting to know someone through touch. Kissing, caressing, groping, fucking, luxuriating in one another. That erotic force drives my entire life, and underlies all of the kink roles I’ve described here.

Elizabeth: I’m a follower, a babygirl, a sensual top, a mono slut and a body theologian. Let me explain these one by one.

I’m realizing that there are many, many kinds of gifts of submission. There’s not just one method for having one’s power and giving it over to (or having it consensually taken by) someone else; there are as many different ways to do that as there are subs. For me, ‘follower’ is a more specific name for what I do with Gabe’s dominant side. I have always had a strong gift for following. I was very sensitive and suggestible as a kid. I can pick up on other people’s emotions and energies without any effort at all… but it’s more than just sensing. I become those emotions, if I let myself. Someone else’s story exists in me. I still often pick up people’s mannerisms or accent without noticing, if I’ve spent any length of time with them. I consider all these characteristics (and many others) to be the result of my body doing something it naturally does and is quite good at. I have a knack for molding or matching myself to other people. It’s kind of a cellular-level empathy. I consider it a gift of untold depth that I’m grateful for. It’s central to who I am. There’s not less of me in this process, I don’t lose myself. I do enter into a kind of stream of someone else’s energy, though. I ride Gabe’s energy, in a way. When I sub to Gabe, I follow. Gabe has an idea of where he wants to go, and I follow. My mood and desires shape to match his. He gives me commands or lays out tasks, and I follow. He sets a rhythm, and I follow. My body naturally shapes itself, on some pretty fundamental levels, to the story he tells. Sub space is me not being required to do the work it takes to not follow (which is still an effort). So I’m light, unencumbered, and feel free to do what is my most immediate nature. It feels expansive, like flying or swimming, and like all the metaphors for ecstasy you can think of. It reminds me a lot of where I go when I meditate or pray. This is one of many ways that my kink and my spirituality are connected.

While getting to our ageplay was one of the more complicated things I think we did, it’s now probably the easiest to explain. I have two little personas, and Gabe is daddy to them both. He nurtures and takes care of them, and occasionally fucks us, and enjoys us all. And it makes us all very happy. 🙂

I love creating a sensory experience for someone else. I’m learning how to top Gabe, how to give his body pleasurable sensations in which to luxuriate. There’s little to no d/s in this space for me; I take a lot of cues from him and what he finds pleasurable. Being in this space involves healing from damaging past uses of my top-space in career contexts, so it’s slow going. But we’re both enjoying it.

Gabe is my only partner, and I don’t look for other romances. In that way, I’m monoromantic. I am finding my own way into sluttery, into enjoying my sexuality to its fullest, which looks different from Gabe’s sluttery. Sex has often been involved in my relationships with my metamours (Gabe’s other lovers). Finding just the right balance of delighting in dear friends’ bodies, connecting sexually with Gabe and having my sexuality to myself is a very enjoyable dance to practice.

It is important to me to be aware of and value a multitude of ways of knowing things. My thoughts are not the only kind of information I retain. My body is my self — it is all as conscious and interactive as that which this culture typically calls my mind. All of this experience, through every inch of me, is vital to how I take in the world and I how I understand God. That’s what I mean by body theologian. This way of knowing queers a great deal of mainstream wisdom, and is another connection between my kink and my spirituality.

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